The last day of classes for fall semester, I was at Shannon and Cari's apartment, and they talked me into letting them do my makeup. I always end up feeling whore-ish when I let people put makeup on me, to be honest. A lot of dark eyeliner, with my pale skin and light hair... and then combine that with a supercasual clothing style. It just ends up looking odd. But they did it, and I let them and then we all went to Eddie's. As soon as it was pointed out to him, he said "You look like a whore." Nobody was surprised by this comment, and I can only assume it was a joke. But... y'know. Hard to remember that when I kind of felt that way.
Jay asked for pictures when Cari and Shannon told him. So I gave in and posted some pictures on facebook. One of my Minnesota acquaintances started facebook chatting with me and told me I looked "gorgeous" in those pictures. Gorgeous? I don't know that I've ever been called that in my life. But I also don't think I looked like me, so I don't know how to feel about such a compliment. But I couldn't exactly say "Thanks for telling me I look nice when I think I look like a whore." I'm pretty sure that would be considered rude.
So, within two days of getting home, what did I do? I went to the store and bought $35 worth of makeup and a $15 hat. And I made myself a pact. An early New Year's Resolution, actually (didn't I say last year how much I dislike the idea of "resolutions"? So... resolved... So... set in stone). I told myself that I would wear makeup and do my hair in some way other than just brushing it into a ponytail at least 4 times a week.
The fact is, I'm sick of only getting compliments when I'm wearing makeup. But even moreso, I'm sick of not getting compliments (on my looks) at all. I mean, I'm no super-hottie, but I don't think I'm an unattractive girl. I (want to) think I deserve to be told so on occasion.
So, yeah, part of me thinks I've abandoned some moral standard that I previously held, the one that says I (and anyone) really deserve to be told I'm beautiful without altering my appearance. But y'know, I wasn't getting that. But really I'm still wondering: does wearing makeup count as giving into arbitrarily imposed societal standards or is it a reasonable way of boosting one's confidence and self-esteem (albeit via others' perceptions)? Either way, the resolution has been made.
