Self-esteem

The last day of classes for fall semester, I was at Shannon and Cari's apartment, and they talked me into letting them do my makeup. I always end up feeling whore-ish when I let people put makeup on me, to be honest. A lot of dark eyeliner, with my pale skin and light hair... and then combine that with a supercasual clothing style. It just ends up looking odd. But they did it, and I let them and then we all went to Eddie's. As soon as it was pointed out to him, he said "You look like a whore." Nobody was surprised by this comment, and I can only assume it was a joke. But... y'know. Hard to remember that when I kind of felt that way.

Jay asked for pictures when Cari and Shannon told him. So I gave in and posted some pictures on facebook. One of my Minnesota acquaintances started facebook chatting with me and told me I looked "gorgeous" in those pictures. Gorgeous? I don't know that I've ever been called that in my life. But I also don't think I looked like me, so I don't know how to feel about such a compliment. But I couldn't exactly say "Thanks for telling me I look nice when I think I look like a whore." I'm pretty sure that would be considered rude.

So, within two days of getting home, what did I do? I went to the store and bought $35 worth of makeup and a $15 hat. And I made myself a pact. An early New Year's Resolution, actually (didn't I say last year how much I dislike the idea of "resolutions"? So... resolved... So... set in stone). I told myself that I would wear makeup and do my hair in some way other than just brushing it into a ponytail at least 4 times a week.

The fact is, I'm sick of only getting compliments when I'm wearing makeup. But even moreso, I'm sick of not getting compliments (on my looks) at all. I mean, I'm no super-hottie, but I don't think I'm an unattractive girl. I (want to) think I deserve to be told so on occasion.

So, yeah, part of me thinks I've abandoned some moral standard that I previously held, the one that says I (and anyone) really deserve to be told I'm beautiful without altering my appearance. But y'know, I wasn't getting that. But really I'm still wondering: does wearing makeup count as giving into arbitrarily imposed societal standards or is it a reasonable way of boosting one's confidence and self-esteem (albeit via others' perceptions)? Either way, the resolution has been made.

Oklahoma Igloo

There was snow in Oklahoma on Christmas Eve. In fact, they got more snow than I did, home for winter break. Ridiculous. In any case, I was googling my own blog today (hard to find, actually) and I found this, only possible because of the recent snow storm:




How legit is that? (Picture taken in Moore, OK, the town directly North of Norman)

Slacker

Since break, I've been busy. Homework like crazy. Two more all-nighters last week, possibly another tonight. I'll avoid it if I can, but I will probably need to go to my math prof's office hours tomorrow morning at 9, so I might not have a choice in the matter. Papers are due, projects are due, I had my first final of the semester about 8 hours ago. Physics lab, I think it went alright.

I've been even more unfocused than usual lately. It's taking everything in me to get stuff done. Maybe it's not even unfocused this time, as much as unmotivated. I went in for ADD testing for a bit last year and ended up dropping that plan at the last minute. I was probably 80% through the process, too. Part of it, though, included seeing one of the psychologists/counselors/whatever and she asked whether there might be other factors contributing to lack of focus--family issues, depression, outside problems, basically. At the time, things were fine and the answer was no.

I've been worrying a lot. I'm not sure I'll want to come back here after winter break. I mean, I'll do it. When I make decisions, they're for keeps. There's no chance of me transferring schools or anything. But it would be nice to have some friends around. I have Eddie and Kate, maybe Megan, Thom a little bit. That's about it.

Jay dropped his classes last Thursday or so. He... well, he had issues. He's home now. He's in a rough spot in his life, and he won't be returning next semester. I sent him a facebook note the other night saying I was sorry for being a bad friend and ditching him. He didn't respond for a couple days, but tonight he wrote back and said thanks for being there for him now, and that we'd work on fixing our friendship. That's a relief, at the very least. I was a bit worried he'd say it was too little, too late. But according to Shannon, "Trena [Jay's mom] said that you have no idea how much your letter to Jay meant to him, and also that he spoke very highly of you the other night." I'm glad to know it wasn't too late. It's a relief, really, because seeing him suffering was getting to me. I felt responsible. Which makes the whole thing seem really selfish. I'm trying to be friends again because I'm lonely and I can't deal with feeling responsible. I can't voice it, but I'm pretty sure there's more than that.

Shannon's leaving. That's hard. I've got her Christmas/going away present all picked out, made, arranged, whatever you'll call it. I'm excited to give it to her. Not excited that it makes her going away so final.

So, yeah, there are other things distracting me, like the fact that I don't know if I want time to speed up or slow down. And I'm sure the confusion will only grow over break. I know that going home tends to drive me crazy. And yet... there are my friends. There's some hope of a returned romantic interest (the date, by the way, went alright, though not spectacularly, and I will be seeing him--in some context or other--at some point over break, because I borrowed a video game). There's something that resembles a normal life, and I miss normalcy. Normal? No, life was never normal. But at least it was sometimes predictable. Even the spontaneity, predictable.

Gratification

Some days, I've been in the RSA office and felt like my RSA members like Eddie better than they like me. I feel as though my work hasn't affected them the way my freshman year was changed by Richard (I know it's odd to still speak of him positively like that, but he really was a mentor to me at the time).

I can't really give details (it has to do with an ongoing appointment process), but one of my RSA members said something that really made me feel like I've done something right.

Sometimes...

Sometimes life is good.

I have an ambiguously-scheduled date over Thanksgiving week. Oh, yes, going home just got even better.

Lactose-free metaphor

Life is like a game of Tetris. Success comes from planning ahead, but remaining flexible and ready to go with the flow; it's usually the tiny, careless mistakes (caused by rushing) that cause problems; it's never too late to fix things, unless you've blocked off one side completely (i.e. closed your mind new ideas or others' opinions).

Sometimes I'm shocked at just how deep I can be. ;) Of course, now I have to go into the world and apply this knowledge...

Computer-less-ness

I've been without computer for about 2 weeks now. It's been an interesting experience, but I'm glad to have it back. And that's my main excuse for not writing. Except, that's a really lame excuse.

The reality of it is that I'm sick of having nothing happy to write. It's weird, because some days I feel perfectly content, but EVERY day ends the same way, or close to it. I'm alone. I'm miserable. I'm thinking about drama and people and friends and former friends and how to fix things. And I'm sure as hell not coming up with answers. Had you asked me a month ago when the last time was that I had cried, I probably would have assumed over the summer. Last time I had cried hard? That weekend Shannon went home... February, maybe? And maybe that would be wrong, but it would be the last time I remembered, so it's close enough. But now... I've cried almost every day for the last few weeks. The only notable exception was the night of the Halloween Extravaganza, and that was because I was so tired I was asleep before 1, which, as you've probably realized, never happens. But the rest of the nights I've cried.

"Former friends" is a depressing term. But I really don't know how else to describe certain people. They're more than acquaintances. They've seen me at my best and worst. They know my past. They know how I think. But we're not friends now. And I wish it had been the simple fading out that ended most of my grade school friendships. But no. This just stopped. There were no fights. No battles of egos, no angry facebook messages to each other until we realized it wasn't working. It just stopped. And in the case of Jay, it's probably my side that stopped it. And in the case of Richard, it was his decision. And it sucks just as much either way.

I have two wishes right now:
1. For things to be back to the way they were last March.
2. Since number 1 seems unlikely, to be home.

Walnut Gouda

Walnut Gooda- Subtle yet flavorful, the walnut adds a sensual warmth to the basic Gouda cheese. A truly surprising cheese, we recommend serving Walnut Gouda at your next party or get together. Goes nicely with port.

I also find it pleasantly smoky, even though I'm not usually big on smoky cheeses.

I introduced someone to Forward Foods a few days ago. She kinda hates me now. The good news of a cheese addiction comes in two parts.

1. It's healthier than most other addictions.
2. It's less expensive than other addictions. According to some random website, Cocaine or Heroine addictions can cost someone $25-$30 a day. I could eat a pound of their BEST cheese a day. At that point, I'd probably just save and open up my own shop.

I'm physically tired. My head hurts just a little bit. I'm bored and lonely. I have no intention of being productive. Oh, and I hate people. Most of them, anyway.

Alive

It is a wonder, after the way this morning started, that I am still alive to go to my second class.
I woke up this morning at about 9:30, around the same time as the last two days. The difference between this and the last two days, though, was that I had gotten about 9 hours of sleep last night, as opposed to 4.5 the previous two. In fact, the last two days, I had been shocked to notice how easily I woke up in the mornings with so little sleep.

This morning was the opposite. I always set two alarms on my phone and one on my alarm clock. The sound that actually got me fully conscious this morning was "Never Gonna Give You Up," which is one of my alarm/ringtones on my phone that I use. I though it was coming from my alarm clock, but saw that my phone was lit up, so I figured I had a text message or something and wanted to check that before I turned off my alarm. I looked at the phone, a little confused, and figured out that was where the song was coming from.

Fine, I can deal with that. I woke up, figured it out, got the alarms turned off. So I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, kind of laughing at the alarm clock bit, in fact. And then I realize that I'm taking the cap off my acne medication and not my toothpaste, but have my toothbrush in my other hand. I was about to squeeze the tube, in fact, before I realized. Just of the record, the only similarity between the two is the shape: both are squeeze tubes; they are different colors, different sizes, the toothbrush has a flip-cap not a twist-off.

I decided to go back to bed for a while, to see if extra sleep would help. I woke up, almost decided not to go to Physics lab because a lab when you're that confused sounded like a bad idea and sleep sounded like a good one. I went anyway, a few minutes late, but I got all the instructions and found a group to work with.

They were idiots. I almost slapped them. They messed up a major part of our data, so we have to start our calculations over again at home. One guy was trying to mess up the data out of simple laziness when I finally took over (which I didn't want to do because, like I said, I was late, so I wasn't showing much leadership). We got it done. It took about three times as long as our previous labs, mostly because of the data mess-up. I ended up missing my chance to eat lunch with Eddie because class ran so long. I hardly managed to get across the main sidewalk on the South Oval over to the bike path because there were so many people, got stuck at a "don't walk" sign on Lindsey Street. Even when it changed, I couldn't get past people because apparently two people filled up the entire sidewalk (which I know for a fact comfortably fits five).

I'm just shocked, honestly, that I'm still alive after a day that has started so... confusingly. I should have stayed in bed. Much safer.

Truths

Weeks of School: 5+ 1 day, Skipped Classes: 1, Energy Drinks: 5, All-Nighters: 2
Truth: Last time I posted this, I forgot to change the number of weeks.
Truth: I survived today (9:30 a.m. to now) on 4.5 hours of sleep, about 350mg of caffeine (consumed between 10:30 and 2:30), and a good mood.
Truth: I should have realized that it was too good to last. Also, when I saw one thing was working and helping to keep my day positive, I should have stuck to it. Unfortunately, the thing that was working was not talking to one of my close friends. So... what does that mean, then?

Truth: everyone here is miserable. Everyone. Everyone has their demons. Some days we can push them away, ignore them, make deals with them. But they never stay away for long.

Truth: I don't know if it's going to get any better. Not now, not in the next week or month, or by the end of the semester, the end of the year, the summer, next fall... Nothing has turned out as it was meant to be. Now I have to stop trying to live in a past vision of the future. That vision is not the same as the present.

Updated Count

Weeks of School: 3, Skipped Classes: 1, Energy Drinks: 4, All-Nighters: 2

How to Succeed in College Without Really Trying

Tuesday classes are English (12-1:15), Math (1:30-2:45), and Qur'an (3-4:15). I had a paper due in English today and an analysis for Qur'an on the oaths in the selected passages (15 or so suras). I had not started either of these assignments last night. This list was written during my Qur'an class today.

How to Succeed in College (Without Really Trying):

• Freak out and have a totally unrelated breakdown at 11 p.m.
• Go to Burger King at 1 a.m.
• Hang out with friends sharing old stories until 2 a.m.
• Begin research for English paper.
• Print research, take a nap at 3 a.m.
• Wake up at 3:45 and go through research, highlighting and taking notes.
• Begin another nap at 4:15. Set alarm for 4:45.
• Repeatedly wake up and hit snooze button until 6:00. During brief conscious periods just after hitting alarm, brainstorm paper outline.
• Get up and write paper. Print. Print peer review sheets. Go back to bad at 6:35.
• Set alarm for 9 a.m. to read suras for Qur'an. Unintentionally hit snooze button until about 10:10. Turn off alarm, stay in bed.
• Realize at 10:30 that reading isn't done yet. Read.
• Go to class (12:00 noon). During first class, plan response to readings (to be submitted online at least one hour before class).
• Between first and second classes, go to computer lab and submit reading analysis for third class.
• Between the hours of 2 a.m. and 4:30 p.m., consume only three (3) vitamin gummy bears and one (1) Monster energy drink.

Unproductive and upset

As I mentioned before, my days can always be summed up in one of two ways: busy, productive, and happy; or lonely, miserable, and unproductive. This evening falls into the latter. I don't want to bore you with the details, but, put simply, part of me really wishes I were at home right now. There are people I want to see. Also, I miss having a roommate. This room is way too big for just one person.

And I suppose I never showed everyone "this room" so I'll take this opportunity to post pictures.

Cosine Secant Tangent Sine, Three Point One Four One Five Nine!

I think I'm getting old. Last year, getting along on 5 hours of sleep was nothing. I had 8:30 classes in the weather center. I didn't have much choice (well, besides changing my sleep schedule, but really, who does that?). This year I don't have classes until 11:30 at the very earliest (and that class was canceled this week, so my earliest was noon). Eight hours of sleep can be achieved by going to bed at 3. Last night, however, was an exception. I was up doing math homework until I decided to give up at 4 a.m., and then it took me another half hour to actually go to sleep. And then I woke up at 9:30 so I could finish that assignment and the work for my other classes. I've been exhausted all day. But I guess it's an okay kind of exhausted. It's the kind where you know you're tired and can feel it physically (aching eyelids, occasionally slow breathing), but you don't actually drop off, even bored. And for some reason, I was focused in class. Part of that may have been the caffeine. I'm keeping an official count now, by the way.

Weeks of School: 3, Skipped Classes: 0, Energy Drinks: 1, All-Nighters: o (but just barely)

But I expect that last number to increase quite a bit, because tomorrow is Big Red Rally, which is where Kate and I each got a case of Full Throttle last year. Excellent.

As you can see, though, I'm very ranty and tangential... Hm... Summary of the day: Got up, did math homework, relieved to be able to solve a problem I had a lot of trouble with last night, printed English homework, went to class, arrived early in class despite a detour, participated in conversation, went to next class, took math quiz (got one problem right; got close on the other, I think, except that I'm pretty sure 0 =/= 1), went to Qur'an class (considered skipping, thus that second count is pretty important), participated in conversation (which I frequently have trouble doing, but which comprises 40% of our grade), came up with ideas for paper (due Thursday, I think), came back to res. halls, planned nap, called father instead, went to supper, went to RSA office, realized I was still really freaking tired, went back up to room for nap, ended up doing productive things instead, went back down to RSA office, inventoried DVDs, looked at plans for tomorrow, blogged.

There we go. A few fewer tangents that time.

To quote Barbie...

Just once in my life, I would like to have a native-English-speaking math professor with legible handwriting. Is that really so much to ask? Basically, I have to make a choice between trying to figure out what she has written and actually listening to her. I figure the listening will go straight in one ear and out the other, so when it's a choice of absolute substitution, I go with reading/writing.

Math is hard! (Actually, that's a misquote... The real line was "Math class is tough.")



Oh, and now the obligatory "Sorry I don't write enough" rant. My excuse is this: when I'm in a good mood, it's usually because I'm being busy and productive. I'm more likely to blog in a bad mood, because I'm not getting anything done then anyway. I realize, however, that you don't want to see a weekly rant from me about all the miserable little nothings going on in my life. So, in order to try to even out the positive:negative ratio of blog posts, I simply don't post as often as I could.

Recent Text Messages From My Father

Tuesday:
9:57PM
"Twins win! 4-3 on a pinch hit by Morales with 2 out in the 9th. You OK? Hsvent heard from you at all today. Im calling soon if you dont txt..."
9:59PM (after I texted him back saying I'm fine but busy. Text first if he wants to call)
"I dont want to bother you. Your txt let me know youre OK, so I dont have to call. Have a good night. Love you!"

Wednesday:
9:34PM
"So, how come you wont call or txt us, but the neighbors know all about what youre doing down there?"
(I don't reply because I guess I didn't hear it...)
9:52PM
"Hello? Whatcha up to?"
I reply and say "Sorry, I didn't see your first text." I meant to send another text message after that but forgot. He calls. "I haven't heard from you at all. I don't know what's going on." I try to explain that I haven't actually told these neighbors anything--they've simply seen things on facebook. He whines that they've mentioned seeing a bunch of pictures and hearing about all the cool things I'm doing. I've posted pictures of my room and pictures from the summer. Nothing he hasn't seen (although he left before I unpacked my room). I explain that I'm with friends and probably can't talk long, but he just wants to know what's been going on so I quickly fill him in on all the meetings and office hours I've had, my classes. He interrupts "You're talking really fast, like you have to pee."

... wtf?

I explain that my friends are waiting on me so I'm trying to fill him in quickly. He sounds insulted but suggests I call him sometime and says he won't try to call or text me unless I do first. He has been an empty-nester for a year now. Someone, please help him adjust.

I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MONKEY-FIGHTING FRESHMEN, IN MY MONKEY-FIGHTING PARKING SPOTS!

Finally at school. Woot!

I'm starting to get pretty excited about a few of my upcoming events. Sunday are the RA floor meetings, and I'm hoping to make it to every single one. I probably should plan a speech of sorts, though, because I'll be dashing in and out of those. Monday, then, is the first RSA meeting, which, again, requires me to write up an agenda of sorts. The Sunday after the first week of school I have my Welcome Back frozen custard social, the first test of both the new RSA members and the willingness of the residents to participate. I'll be purchasing three giant tubs of custard and toppings. So, that's just the first week. Oh, and little things in there like General Council meetings, exec meetings, and my President-Advisers meeting.

There was some mistake and a bunch of freshmen ended up with Priority parking passes at the cost of a regular one. I'm afraid to drive anywhere, because i know I'll lose my parking spot. Last night I had to park in front of Walker. I think they're going to have to completely redistribute them, honestly, which really sucks. Or just redistribute a different color of priority passes and give the mistake freshmen regular passes. I don't know.

Move-in day was yesterday. I got to spend 5 hours renting out dollies to freshmen to move their stuff. And then tracking them down when they didn't return them for 2 hours. Fun stuff. The thing is, as annoying and terrible as it sounds, I really did miss it all.

Theres's all sorts of drama going on within the exec team of HCSA again. We're all hoping we don't have to go through and do another last-minute appointment for a vacated position. It's not looking good.

I'm planning on spending my day collecting free stuff and then planning for the next week or so.

3 days!

With the school year oh-so-fast approaching, I'm going to try, once again, to kick my blogging butt into high gear. The only problem? No idea what to say.

I've finally got a car. It's pretty, dark blue. We found it on Craig's List. It's kind of funny because at the beginning of the process I found the prettiest car-- a dark blue Pontiac Sunfire (2002, I think), right withing our price range-- and by the next day, the ad was down; it had sold. I was extremely disappointed because the search yielded very little else for at least a week. And then I found the Cavalier. Dark Blue. 2002. So similar, in fact, that most repair manuals will group the two together. So, yeah, that's my car. It's gorgeous, to me anyway. Still needs a name. And apparently some repairs. We've been searching the junkyards for days getting all the details in place, and thought we were done until my dad decided to teach me how to change a tire today. The wheel that we had randomly selected appeared to be rusted on to the hub (someone tell me how far off I am in my car terminology, 'cause I have no idea what I'm talking about). Can't wait to see how much this repair costs.

As of right now, I'm at Caribou again. I'm running out of time for these trips. I'll probably be here on Friday, but that's it. Saturday an acquaintance who lives somewhat nearby and also goes to OU will be caravanning with us down to OK. We plan to leave by 6 AM, which means no pre-travel Caribou. Friday night is it. I'm almost not sure which I'll miss more, Caribou, or the employees there. No, I take that back. Definitely the coffee. I wonder what would happen if I go to a coffee shop in OK and ask for a Reindeer Drink. I expect blank stares.

AT&T Commercial

Everyone loves that song and the commercial because they're just so damn cute.



I think there's something seriously wrong with me. I think I need more self-confidence. I think I need a guy, just so that pressure of "first boyfriend" can finally go away. I think I need to give it a rest and stop doing this over and over again, stop making something out of nothing, stop trying so hard, and stop letting myself get so involved. So what do I do instead?

Lyrics: Franklin (Paramore)

And when we get home, I know we won't be home at all
This place we live, it is not where we belong
And I miss who we were in the town that we could call our own
Going back to get away after everything has changed

...

So we stand here now and no one knows us at all
I won't get used to this
I won't get used to being gone
And going back won't feel the same if we aren't staying
Going back to get away after everything has changed