Something I'm considering...

I'm more than halfway done with my undergrad years. Well... probably. In any case, I'm trying to figure out what's next, and one of the things I'm seriously considering is this:
OU's Adult and Higher Education Master's Program
So... still looking into this, talking to people about it, etc. And, y'know... we'll see how the weather broadcast thing works out, too.

Remind me not to explode

Some days, you just need to rant. And I'm not quite sure when today (tonight) became one of those days (nights), but if I don't, I'm either going to explode or kill someone.

Person K got all pissy tonight because I hadn't realized she did programming things in high school. Mind, I don't think her high school ones were as involved as the programming I'm doing today, but clearly she views it otherwise. Fine, I'll take her word for it. But she has no reason to get pissy at me for that: she's never said anything about it. And when she said she did, I asked questions to get the relevant details: what scale of programming, were you working alone, etc. And apparently now she's mad at me.

This all came up because she decided to have her birthday party the night before my giant program. That's fine. That's when her birthday is. But here's the thing: her birthday party is apparently going to involve spending a night at a cabin an hour and a half away. Sorry, I can't commit to going to that. I'm going to be stressed as it is without being hours from cell service or wifi. It's my BIG program of the semester, and I'm going to be focused on/stressed about that. So I told her I'd try to make it, if everyone else is out there. Oops. The "if" statement pissed her off, because apparently she thinks everybody is going to say the same thing; she has decided that she alone is not good enough to deserve our company. Or at least she's decided we feel that way. Good God! Yes, I phrased my statement poorly, but all I meant was that it's very early in the planning stages and if EVERYONE else has conflicts, then it would be wiser to cancel than to rent a cabin for her and maybe a couple hours of me.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. But my mind has been racing too much the last few days to let me sleep before 3 a.m. And here I am, almost 3:30. Fuck.

I need someone or something to calm me down right now. Someone. Oh, yes, back to that. Being single in this town effing sucks. I mean, at home, yeah, I had a whole two friends, and that wasn't great, but both of them were in long or long-ish distance relationships and I don't have to deal directly with all the couple-y-ness. My roommate is with her boyfriend 24/7. He's a great guy. No, really, he is. In fact, it's been decided that, the way he and I get along, we must be long-lost siblings. But they are a couple and I am not in a couple, and they do couple things and are around all the time and aaaagh. Yay, rubbing singleness in my face. Even K, who is notoriously... noncommitted, shall we say, is in an actual relationship now. I've been ridiculously needy lately, and given what I'm looking for, I probably wouldn't want to be with me at the moment. So I guess I can't get mad at the rest of the world for that.


...

...

...

...
*EXPLODES*

Update

Yeah, it's been a while. And since my last post, we (semi-) successfully returned from vacation, went camping, and then I came back to school for training and, eventually, even classes.

So now I'm at the weekend after the first week of school. Apparently at home, life goes on; both my best friend and my parents are at the state fair and I couldn't be more jealous. Maybe I'll go to the Texas State Fair to make up for it. (pro-tip: it may not have cheese curds, but I'm told it's MONSTROUSLY huge. And it lasts three weeks. That said, they don't even have the 'food finder' on their website up and running yet.)

Classes are... well, they're interesting at the very least. So even when I get frustrated with them, at least I can say "Well, hey, these are my core classes. They're actually the things I want to be learning." That's a nice change. And for more details on classes... well, I'm taking the "unholy trinity" of Junior-year METR courses. Dynamics, Thermodynamics, and Measurements. I've got Public Finance (which is my last ECON course to finish my minor--but more on that later, actually). I have a Geography class called "Climate, History, and Society." Rumor has it the professor for that one strongly dislikes METR majors, even though he's a climate guy. But he seems cool enough. Very research-y class. Oh, and for the first time in... ever, I actually have several friends in my class. We spend our time trying to figure out what major everyone else in the class is. And then a practicum with the OU Nightly, the news program. We start doing live shows September 14. I do two days per week with the production crew and one with weather, so... yeah. Should be a good learning experience. That said, I'm *totally* lost in it; don't have the background that the actual broadcast majors have.

And... switching over from classes to the other half of my life: HCSA. Things are going AMAZINGLY. I am so proud of this year's team; we've come an incredibly long way since last year. Programming Director is a challenging position; everything is very big and long-term, so I definitely have to test my focus. But I'm excited for the weekend program and things are going well over all. Oh, but my schedule takes a turn for the chaotic in September. Homecoming meetings start. And then the week before weekend program, I have 2 midterms, and then that Saturday is the event, and then I have two more midterms the next week. And it really doesn't calm down from there until over a week into November. So... if I break down... don't worry, it was planned?

And, the last tier of my life: personal drama. Apparently Jay's had feelings for me of some sort (although almost everybody I know, myself included, is reasonably certain they're rebound-based) for 5 months. Well then. He decided to act on them in the last few weeks, attempted to kiss me (he was somewhat drunk at the time, but...) ... Yeah. There's just so much wrong with that. But we've talked, straightened things out, and hopefully it won't be an issue. In the meantime, 90% of my friends are in happy relationships. Half of them are also trying to set me up with other people. I guess I appreciate it? I don't know. I want a guy; if nothing else, having one would probably prevent me from walking across campus alone at night (in that I'd have someone to drag along with me). Yes... I realized how stupid that was as I was doing it. No worries; I brought my bigger "cuttin' bitches for self-defense" knife with me (the one with the thumb-assist for opening it). And got hit on by drunk people. All of whom were in the driver's seat... So probably better walking than driving anyway.

Alright. Time to finish cleaning up the apartment. Clearly my presence is... well, making itself obvious. I have to get the last of my stuff out of the hallway, load up my new bookshelf, and do laundry today, so I should have my work cut out for me. And if not, maybe I'll get started on homework (*gasp*).

Igloo on Wheels

I'm home for summer vacation. Have been for a while now. About to go on a family vacation, a road trip out west. Not exactly looking forward to it. I want to be excited, honestly, but I'm having trouble getting all hyped up. Yes, the sights will be cool. But I need change. And I need different people to be around, more than anything. I mean, on campus, there are always plenty of options.

I wish I were back on campus. I miss having things to do and people to do them with.

Anyway, the short version of all this ranting is that this Igloo is about to be on wheels. Yay, vacation. But I wish it had wings. I'd be back in Norman in a heartbeat.

No good reason

I have no right to be angry right now. So maybe it's just the buildup of stress or sleep deprivation or nervousness about finals, but I'm really kind of mad.

Future roommate, M (I've decided to try to switch over to letters or nicknames instead of people's actual names), recently friended Richard on facebook (eh, his name is already on here. It really doesn't matter). And that shouldn't anger me but it really really does. I don't think I ever posted anything here the day he called me and the rest of the execs "spineless shits" on facebook. In fact, he's said a lot of things about me with similar connotations, in both private messages and public facebook conversations. He's one of the few people I know who I might actually consider saying I hate, and I don't use that word on people if I can avoid it. So, I understand M has gotten close to Jay (and that that's my own fault), and I know Jay and Richard are still tight... But I kinda hoped that she and I were a little tighter.

In my head, it's comparable to if I were to suddenly become buddy-buddy with Guy X with whom she has a ridiculous history. M and X almost had something go on, and then some bullshit drama happened in that group of people. But now she's left that group of people behind in her life and never ever speaks to him and only speaks about him in the context of calling him an asshole or worse.

I don't want her to be able to tolerate Richard. I don't want her to give him a chance. I want her to want to punch him on sight, every time she sees him. And if there isn't animosity between them next year, I can see this roommate situation getting... dramatic.

Wish right now...

Blah... I know it's been a really long time since I posted. I don't really care all that much. Life has been boring, so there hasn't been much to post. Still, I guess this is the part where I make obligatory fake promises that I'll try harder to post more often.

I don't know why I've been feeling so stressed lately. Yeah, it's the end of the year. Yeah, I'm spending another summer at home, probably bored out of my mind, probably jobless and broke. And nearly friendless. And frankly, school life hasn't felt much different lately. I sit around most of the time, either on facebook or watching TV shows. My friends are either too busy or too boring. Beggars really shouldn't be choosers, though. I don't know.

RSA has been winding down. I'm currently waiting on results from the HCSA appointment process. They were supposed to tell us tonight, but there was apparently a hangup in the discussions, so they said they'd tell us tomorrow. In the meantime, I can't discuss it with most of my friends because they're either fellow candidates or the elected execs from the other side of the interview table or Eddie, who didn't get his elected position.

Life is so dull and yet so complicated right now. I think mostly, I'm lonely. Lonely like freshman year just before me and Shannon had really hit it off. Lonely enough that I'm practically counting down the days until I'll be home again. And then I'll still be lonely, but somewhere else.

I really need to go on a drive.

(Not my usual style of music, but I really like this song)

i... hate... people...

I've got no plans for all of break. So far what I've done in the first three of my seven days in town is sit around the house on the internet, eat meals with my parents (I love them, but c'mon), and drink Caribou coffee (which, again, I love, but c'mon).

I tried to send a "mass text" to my friends in town to arrange a trip to Perkins the night I got in. It went to four people... including an email address. Exactly two of the people responded. One to say no. Oh, and the "no" was from 'Taylor.'

I attempted to reschedule Perkins. Might be going down tomorrow, with two of the other people who were in my mass text. Maybe even a third person (the person who was originally e-mailed). Hoboy.

I tried to arrange a get-together with one of my OU friends, who will be in town for a speech tournament Wednesday through Sunday. Too busy for a get-together. Freaking 20 minutes away, but won't have time.

So there're at least two people I kind of hoped to get together with (Taylor and this OU friend) who have managed to quash those plans.

Other people I hate:

Me? I accidentally introduced Jay and Megan. Apparently things hit off in some way, shape, or form. But there's the obvious awkwardness of the history between Jay and Cari and the fact that Cari and Megan are about to be roommates. Supposedly things have leveled off and will remain platonic, but I'm not so sure; they seem to talk and hang out a lot, and Megan simply won't discuss it, which is a sure sign that something's up. Jay keeps saying he wants to get some friends together at his parents' place. Last time I talked to him about it, he was saying it might just be me and Megan. Hahahaha no.

Richard. No, he hasn't done anything new. He's just been, well, existing. He decided to come down and visit for spring break. He was in town Thursday, but thankfully I never ran into him. Well, he also decided to go down to Denton to visit Shannon. I know she's still friends with him. I know she wants to see him... But I really really wish that were not the case. I just have to remember that the version of Richard she is still in contact with is the version I used to be friends with. The Richard I've had most recent contact with is basically a different person.

Boys. All of them? Yes, I think that's reasonable.

90% of the people I want to grade school with. Why not? Sorry, I guess I'm a little bitter about this mass-text-going-to-four-people thing. Yeah, just a little.

Mary Tyler Moore theme

The original lyrics to the song "Love is All Around" (the Mary Tyler Moore show theme) included the following verse.

You are most likely to succeed

You have the looks and charms and girl you know that's all you need
All the men around adore you
That sexy look will do wonders for you
Love is all around why don't you take it all
You're gonna make it after all.

That attitude is outdated, right? Part of the reason things between Kingsley and I never progressed was because, as we were discussing things afterwards (after I kind of decided things shouldn't go anywhere. But let's face it: that could very easily have changed), he said something about how I should wear skirts more often. Obviously that doesn't mean much, but, for lack of a better way to put it, I grew up with the "Mulan" generation. Very "true to yourself" kinda thing. As it turns out, my true self likes wearing man pants so I can carry a million knives in my pockets. Should I change that to get a guy?

I guess that's the same question I asked a month and a half ago about make-up, huh?

Well, tonight Kingsley and I had a long talk (an awkward talk, too, but that's not the important part here). It left me noticeably quiet, thinking, pondering, kind of just mulling over things we had said, specifically regarding relationships and boys and shit (yeah, awkward...). And a few minutes after I got up to my room, he sent me a text:

Don't get too down on yourself. You looked incredible in that dress; there are plenty of guys who wish they could have you. Just keep looking.

And for some reason it bothers me the way he always makes it sound like what I'm wearing could make all the difference.

So, do I listen to Mulan (and that Christina Aguilera song from the movie) or do I just give up on some of the stubbornness?

Closure

Richard decided to pull some dumb moves today. In what he called a "joke," he made slanderous comments about HCSA. I confronted him about it via facebook message (though I unfriended him a few days ago).

We got some things out in the air. We cleared some things up. By no means did we make amends.

But that's okay. I said things I've been needing to say, and I heard things I needed to hear. And by the end of our argument (for I'm pretty certain that's what it was), I came to terms with what had happened. Rather quickly I went from being distraught at the personal attacks on my character to laughing, because he was unwittingly making a fool of himself.

In short, I got the closure I needed. I can move on.

Woohoo...

So, somehow, in the last year and a half, I've managed to write 100 posts in this blog. That's pathetic.

Anyway, I'm really just hear to post a general update, I guess, and to be sure that I can at least get in one entry per month.

Life in Norman has resumed to its hectic self. As expected, I haven't seen Shannon really (except once, a few days before classes started for the semester). Cari is off in France. Jay, to many people's surprise, has come back this semester. I made amends with him near the end of the previous semester, in the midst of all the drama. We hang out basically like before. Kate is busy, as expected. Eddie is... himself, I guess? I see him quite frequently, but hardly ever without the company of Kyle, his boyfriend. It's fine. Kyle's nice. We're friends. It's all good. But yeah, I'm probably jealous of Eddie's time. And, admittedly, jealous of the relationship itself.

Hoboy, Singles' Awareness Day is coming up. But I've got plans. Megan and I are going to watch the Bring It On marathon on ABC Family. I can't think of a better way to spend the day than eating popcorn and trash-talking cheerleaders (who always get the guy in the end).

Speaking of Megan, she and I are officially planning to live together next year, along with Cari, in Traditions. We still need one more roommate, but I guess there's always the random assignment option for the fourth roomie. Crossing my fingers that we don't end up with someone horrible.

I'm hopeful in regards to having a room waiver next year. I don't plan to be an RSA president, but I'm not dropping out of HCSA either. I'm planning to go for Programming Director. The other person who was thinking of running texted me this morning and asked if I wanted that position, because she was thinking of it too. But she said she didn't want to compete with me for it and she'd go for Traditions West President instead. I feel a bit guilty, but she made it sound like she was totally okay with it, which is nice.

Let's see... And... pretty sure Taylor the Latte Boy has hit the friend zone. But I'll be home for Spring Break, so you can bet I'll be around Caribou a lot anyway.

Self-esteem

The last day of classes for fall semester, I was at Shannon and Cari's apartment, and they talked me into letting them do my makeup. I always end up feeling whore-ish when I let people put makeup on me, to be honest. A lot of dark eyeliner, with my pale skin and light hair... and then combine that with a supercasual clothing style. It just ends up looking odd. But they did it, and I let them and then we all went to Eddie's. As soon as it was pointed out to him, he said "You look like a whore." Nobody was surprised by this comment, and I can only assume it was a joke. But... y'know. Hard to remember that when I kind of felt that way.

Jay asked for pictures when Cari and Shannon told him. So I gave in and posted some pictures on facebook. One of my Minnesota acquaintances started facebook chatting with me and told me I looked "gorgeous" in those pictures. Gorgeous? I don't know that I've ever been called that in my life. But I also don't think I looked like me, so I don't know how to feel about such a compliment. But I couldn't exactly say "Thanks for telling me I look nice when I think I look like a whore." I'm pretty sure that would be considered rude.

So, within two days of getting home, what did I do? I went to the store and bought $35 worth of makeup and a $15 hat. And I made myself a pact. An early New Year's Resolution, actually (didn't I say last year how much I dislike the idea of "resolutions"? So... resolved... So... set in stone). I told myself that I would wear makeup and do my hair in some way other than just brushing it into a ponytail at least 4 times a week.

The fact is, I'm sick of only getting compliments when I'm wearing makeup. But even moreso, I'm sick of not getting compliments (on my looks) at all. I mean, I'm no super-hottie, but I don't think I'm an unattractive girl. I (want to) think I deserve to be told so on occasion.

So, yeah, part of me thinks I've abandoned some moral standard that I previously held, the one that says I (and anyone) really deserve to be told I'm beautiful without altering my appearance. But y'know, I wasn't getting that. But really I'm still wondering: does wearing makeup count as giving into arbitrarily imposed societal standards or is it a reasonable way of boosting one's confidence and self-esteem (albeit via others' perceptions)? Either way, the resolution has been made.

Oklahoma Igloo

There was snow in Oklahoma on Christmas Eve. In fact, they got more snow than I did, home for winter break. Ridiculous. In any case, I was googling my own blog today (hard to find, actually) and I found this, only possible because of the recent snow storm:




How legit is that? (Picture taken in Moore, OK, the town directly North of Norman)

Slacker

Since break, I've been busy. Homework like crazy. Two more all-nighters last week, possibly another tonight. I'll avoid it if I can, but I will probably need to go to my math prof's office hours tomorrow morning at 9, so I might not have a choice in the matter. Papers are due, projects are due, I had my first final of the semester about 8 hours ago. Physics lab, I think it went alright.

I've been even more unfocused than usual lately. It's taking everything in me to get stuff done. Maybe it's not even unfocused this time, as much as unmotivated. I went in for ADD testing for a bit last year and ended up dropping that plan at the last minute. I was probably 80% through the process, too. Part of it, though, included seeing one of the psychologists/counselors/whatever and she asked whether there might be other factors contributing to lack of focus--family issues, depression, outside problems, basically. At the time, things were fine and the answer was no.

I've been worrying a lot. I'm not sure I'll want to come back here after winter break. I mean, I'll do it. When I make decisions, they're for keeps. There's no chance of me transferring schools or anything. But it would be nice to have some friends around. I have Eddie and Kate, maybe Megan, Thom a little bit. That's about it.

Jay dropped his classes last Thursday or so. He... well, he had issues. He's home now. He's in a rough spot in his life, and he won't be returning next semester. I sent him a facebook note the other night saying I was sorry for being a bad friend and ditching him. He didn't respond for a couple days, but tonight he wrote back and said thanks for being there for him now, and that we'd work on fixing our friendship. That's a relief, at the very least. I was a bit worried he'd say it was too little, too late. But according to Shannon, "Trena [Jay's mom] said that you have no idea how much your letter to Jay meant to him, and also that he spoke very highly of you the other night." I'm glad to know it wasn't too late. It's a relief, really, because seeing him suffering was getting to me. I felt responsible. Which makes the whole thing seem really selfish. I'm trying to be friends again because I'm lonely and I can't deal with feeling responsible. I can't voice it, but I'm pretty sure there's more than that.

Shannon's leaving. That's hard. I've got her Christmas/going away present all picked out, made, arranged, whatever you'll call it. I'm excited to give it to her. Not excited that it makes her going away so final.

So, yeah, there are other things distracting me, like the fact that I don't know if I want time to speed up or slow down. And I'm sure the confusion will only grow over break. I know that going home tends to drive me crazy. And yet... there are my friends. There's some hope of a returned romantic interest (the date, by the way, went alright, though not spectacularly, and I will be seeing him--in some context or other--at some point over break, because I borrowed a video game). There's something that resembles a normal life, and I miss normalcy. Normal? No, life was never normal. But at least it was sometimes predictable. Even the spontaneity, predictable.

Gratification

Some days, I've been in the RSA office and felt like my RSA members like Eddie better than they like me. I feel as though my work hasn't affected them the way my freshman year was changed by Richard (I know it's odd to still speak of him positively like that, but he really was a mentor to me at the time).

I can't really give details (it has to do with an ongoing appointment process), but one of my RSA members said something that really made me feel like I've done something right.

Sometimes...

Sometimes life is good.

I have an ambiguously-scheduled date over Thanksgiving week. Oh, yes, going home just got even better.

Lactose-free metaphor

Life is like a game of Tetris. Success comes from planning ahead, but remaining flexible and ready to go with the flow; it's usually the tiny, careless mistakes (caused by rushing) that cause problems; it's never too late to fix things, unless you've blocked off one side completely (i.e. closed your mind new ideas or others' opinions).

Sometimes I'm shocked at just how deep I can be. ;) Of course, now I have to go into the world and apply this knowledge...

Computer-less-ness

I've been without computer for about 2 weeks now. It's been an interesting experience, but I'm glad to have it back. And that's my main excuse for not writing. Except, that's a really lame excuse.

The reality of it is that I'm sick of having nothing happy to write. It's weird, because some days I feel perfectly content, but EVERY day ends the same way, or close to it. I'm alone. I'm miserable. I'm thinking about drama and people and friends and former friends and how to fix things. And I'm sure as hell not coming up with answers. Had you asked me a month ago when the last time was that I had cried, I probably would have assumed over the summer. Last time I had cried hard? That weekend Shannon went home... February, maybe? And maybe that would be wrong, but it would be the last time I remembered, so it's close enough. But now... I've cried almost every day for the last few weeks. The only notable exception was the night of the Halloween Extravaganza, and that was because I was so tired I was asleep before 1, which, as you've probably realized, never happens. But the rest of the nights I've cried.

"Former friends" is a depressing term. But I really don't know how else to describe certain people. They're more than acquaintances. They've seen me at my best and worst. They know my past. They know how I think. But we're not friends now. And I wish it had been the simple fading out that ended most of my grade school friendships. But no. This just stopped. There were no fights. No battles of egos, no angry facebook messages to each other until we realized it wasn't working. It just stopped. And in the case of Jay, it's probably my side that stopped it. And in the case of Richard, it was his decision. And it sucks just as much either way.

I have two wishes right now:
1. For things to be back to the way they were last March.
2. Since number 1 seems unlikely, to be home.

Walnut Gouda

Walnut Gooda- Subtle yet flavorful, the walnut adds a sensual warmth to the basic Gouda cheese. A truly surprising cheese, we recommend serving Walnut Gouda at your next party or get together. Goes nicely with port.

I also find it pleasantly smoky, even though I'm not usually big on smoky cheeses.

I introduced someone to Forward Foods a few days ago. She kinda hates me now. The good news of a cheese addiction comes in two parts.

1. It's healthier than most other addictions.
2. It's less expensive than other addictions. According to some random website, Cocaine or Heroine addictions can cost someone $25-$30 a day. I could eat a pound of their BEST cheese a day. At that point, I'd probably just save and open up my own shop.

I'm physically tired. My head hurts just a little bit. I'm bored and lonely. I have no intention of being productive. Oh, and I hate people. Most of them, anyway.

Alive

It is a wonder, after the way this morning started, that I am still alive to go to my second class.
I woke up this morning at about 9:30, around the same time as the last two days. The difference between this and the last two days, though, was that I had gotten about 9 hours of sleep last night, as opposed to 4.5 the previous two. In fact, the last two days, I had been shocked to notice how easily I woke up in the mornings with so little sleep.

This morning was the opposite. I always set two alarms on my phone and one on my alarm clock. The sound that actually got me fully conscious this morning was "Never Gonna Give You Up," which is one of my alarm/ringtones on my phone that I use. I though it was coming from my alarm clock, but saw that my phone was lit up, so I figured I had a text message or something and wanted to check that before I turned off my alarm. I looked at the phone, a little confused, and figured out that was where the song was coming from.

Fine, I can deal with that. I woke up, figured it out, got the alarms turned off. So I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, kind of laughing at the alarm clock bit, in fact. And then I realize that I'm taking the cap off my acne medication and not my toothpaste, but have my toothbrush in my other hand. I was about to squeeze the tube, in fact, before I realized. Just of the record, the only similarity between the two is the shape: both are squeeze tubes; they are different colors, different sizes, the toothbrush has a flip-cap not a twist-off.

I decided to go back to bed for a while, to see if extra sleep would help. I woke up, almost decided not to go to Physics lab because a lab when you're that confused sounded like a bad idea and sleep sounded like a good one. I went anyway, a few minutes late, but I got all the instructions and found a group to work with.

They were idiots. I almost slapped them. They messed up a major part of our data, so we have to start our calculations over again at home. One guy was trying to mess up the data out of simple laziness when I finally took over (which I didn't want to do because, like I said, I was late, so I wasn't showing much leadership). We got it done. It took about three times as long as our previous labs, mostly because of the data mess-up. I ended up missing my chance to eat lunch with Eddie because class ran so long. I hardly managed to get across the main sidewalk on the South Oval over to the bike path because there were so many people, got stuck at a "don't walk" sign on Lindsey Street. Even when it changed, I couldn't get past people because apparently two people filled up the entire sidewalk (which I know for a fact comfortably fits five).

I'm just shocked, honestly, that I'm still alive after a day that has started so... confusingly. I should have stayed in bed. Much safer.

Truths

Weeks of School: 5+ 1 day, Skipped Classes: 1, Energy Drinks: 5, All-Nighters: 2
Truth: Last time I posted this, I forgot to change the number of weeks.
Truth: I survived today (9:30 a.m. to now) on 4.5 hours of sleep, about 350mg of caffeine (consumed between 10:30 and 2:30), and a good mood.
Truth: I should have realized that it was too good to last. Also, when I saw one thing was working and helping to keep my day positive, I should have stuck to it. Unfortunately, the thing that was working was not talking to one of my close friends. So... what does that mean, then?

Truth: everyone here is miserable. Everyone. Everyone has their demons. Some days we can push them away, ignore them, make deals with them. But they never stay away for long.

Truth: I don't know if it's going to get any better. Not now, not in the next week or month, or by the end of the semester, the end of the year, the summer, next fall... Nothing has turned out as it was meant to be. Now I have to stop trying to live in a past vision of the future. That vision is not the same as the present.