Alive

It is a wonder, after the way this morning started, that I am still alive to go to my second class.
I woke up this morning at about 9:30, around the same time as the last two days. The difference between this and the last two days, though, was that I had gotten about 9 hours of sleep last night, as opposed to 4.5 the previous two. In fact, the last two days, I had been shocked to notice how easily I woke up in the mornings with so little sleep.

This morning was the opposite. I always set two alarms on my phone and one on my alarm clock. The sound that actually got me fully conscious this morning was "Never Gonna Give You Up," which is one of my alarm/ringtones on my phone that I use. I though it was coming from my alarm clock, but saw that my phone was lit up, so I figured I had a text message or something and wanted to check that before I turned off my alarm. I looked at the phone, a little confused, and figured out that was where the song was coming from.

Fine, I can deal with that. I woke up, figured it out, got the alarms turned off. So I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, kind of laughing at the alarm clock bit, in fact. And then I realize that I'm taking the cap off my acne medication and not my toothpaste, but have my toothbrush in my other hand. I was about to squeeze the tube, in fact, before I realized. Just of the record, the only similarity between the two is the shape: both are squeeze tubes; they are different colors, different sizes, the toothbrush has a flip-cap not a twist-off.

I decided to go back to bed for a while, to see if extra sleep would help. I woke up, almost decided not to go to Physics lab because a lab when you're that confused sounded like a bad idea and sleep sounded like a good one. I went anyway, a few minutes late, but I got all the instructions and found a group to work with.

They were idiots. I almost slapped them. They messed up a major part of our data, so we have to start our calculations over again at home. One guy was trying to mess up the data out of simple laziness when I finally took over (which I didn't want to do because, like I said, I was late, so I wasn't showing much leadership). We got it done. It took about three times as long as our previous labs, mostly because of the data mess-up. I ended up missing my chance to eat lunch with Eddie because class ran so long. I hardly managed to get across the main sidewalk on the South Oval over to the bike path because there were so many people, got stuck at a "don't walk" sign on Lindsey Street. Even when it changed, I couldn't get past people because apparently two people filled up the entire sidewalk (which I know for a fact comfortably fits five).

I'm just shocked, honestly, that I'm still alive after a day that has started so... confusingly. I should have stayed in bed. Much safer.

Truths

Weeks of School: 5+ 1 day, Skipped Classes: 1, Energy Drinks: 5, All-Nighters: 2
Truth: Last time I posted this, I forgot to change the number of weeks.
Truth: I survived today (9:30 a.m. to now) on 4.5 hours of sleep, about 350mg of caffeine (consumed between 10:30 and 2:30), and a good mood.
Truth: I should have realized that it was too good to last. Also, when I saw one thing was working and helping to keep my day positive, I should have stuck to it. Unfortunately, the thing that was working was not talking to one of my close friends. So... what does that mean, then?

Truth: everyone here is miserable. Everyone. Everyone has their demons. Some days we can push them away, ignore them, make deals with them. But they never stay away for long.

Truth: I don't know if it's going to get any better. Not now, not in the next week or month, or by the end of the semester, the end of the year, the summer, next fall... Nothing has turned out as it was meant to be. Now I have to stop trying to live in a past vision of the future. That vision is not the same as the present.

Updated Count

Weeks of School: 3, Skipped Classes: 1, Energy Drinks: 4, All-Nighters: 2

How to Succeed in College Without Really Trying

Tuesday classes are English (12-1:15), Math (1:30-2:45), and Qur'an (3-4:15). I had a paper due in English today and an analysis for Qur'an on the oaths in the selected passages (15 or so suras). I had not started either of these assignments last night. This list was written during my Qur'an class today.

How to Succeed in College (Without Really Trying):

• Freak out and have a totally unrelated breakdown at 11 p.m.
• Go to Burger King at 1 a.m.
• Hang out with friends sharing old stories until 2 a.m.
• Begin research for English paper.
• Print research, take a nap at 3 a.m.
• Wake up at 3:45 and go through research, highlighting and taking notes.
• Begin another nap at 4:15. Set alarm for 4:45.
• Repeatedly wake up and hit snooze button until 6:00. During brief conscious periods just after hitting alarm, brainstorm paper outline.
• Get up and write paper. Print. Print peer review sheets. Go back to bad at 6:35.
• Set alarm for 9 a.m. to read suras for Qur'an. Unintentionally hit snooze button until about 10:10. Turn off alarm, stay in bed.
• Realize at 10:30 that reading isn't done yet. Read.
• Go to class (12:00 noon). During first class, plan response to readings (to be submitted online at least one hour before class).
• Between first and second classes, go to computer lab and submit reading analysis for third class.
• Between the hours of 2 a.m. and 4:30 p.m., consume only three (3) vitamin gummy bears and one (1) Monster energy drink.

Unproductive and upset

As I mentioned before, my days can always be summed up in one of two ways: busy, productive, and happy; or lonely, miserable, and unproductive. This evening falls into the latter. I don't want to bore you with the details, but, put simply, part of me really wishes I were at home right now. There are people I want to see. Also, I miss having a roommate. This room is way too big for just one person.

And I suppose I never showed everyone "this room" so I'll take this opportunity to post pictures.

Cosine Secant Tangent Sine, Three Point One Four One Five Nine!

I think I'm getting old. Last year, getting along on 5 hours of sleep was nothing. I had 8:30 classes in the weather center. I didn't have much choice (well, besides changing my sleep schedule, but really, who does that?). This year I don't have classes until 11:30 at the very earliest (and that class was canceled this week, so my earliest was noon). Eight hours of sleep can be achieved by going to bed at 3. Last night, however, was an exception. I was up doing math homework until I decided to give up at 4 a.m., and then it took me another half hour to actually go to sleep. And then I woke up at 9:30 so I could finish that assignment and the work for my other classes. I've been exhausted all day. But I guess it's an okay kind of exhausted. It's the kind where you know you're tired and can feel it physically (aching eyelids, occasionally slow breathing), but you don't actually drop off, even bored. And for some reason, I was focused in class. Part of that may have been the caffeine. I'm keeping an official count now, by the way.

Weeks of School: 3, Skipped Classes: 0, Energy Drinks: 1, All-Nighters: o (but just barely)

But I expect that last number to increase quite a bit, because tomorrow is Big Red Rally, which is where Kate and I each got a case of Full Throttle last year. Excellent.

As you can see, though, I'm very ranty and tangential... Hm... Summary of the day: Got up, did math homework, relieved to be able to solve a problem I had a lot of trouble with last night, printed English homework, went to class, arrived early in class despite a detour, participated in conversation, went to next class, took math quiz (got one problem right; got close on the other, I think, except that I'm pretty sure 0 =/= 1), went to Qur'an class (considered skipping, thus that second count is pretty important), participated in conversation (which I frequently have trouble doing, but which comprises 40% of our grade), came up with ideas for paper (due Thursday, I think), came back to res. halls, planned nap, called father instead, went to supper, went to RSA office, realized I was still really freaking tired, went back up to room for nap, ended up doing productive things instead, went back down to RSA office, inventoried DVDs, looked at plans for tomorrow, blogged.

There we go. A few fewer tangents that time.

To quote Barbie...

Just once in my life, I would like to have a native-English-speaking math professor with legible handwriting. Is that really so much to ask? Basically, I have to make a choice between trying to figure out what she has written and actually listening to her. I figure the listening will go straight in one ear and out the other, so when it's a choice of absolute substitution, I go with reading/writing.

Math is hard! (Actually, that's a misquote... The real line was "Math class is tough.")



Oh, and now the obligatory "Sorry I don't write enough" rant. My excuse is this: when I'm in a good mood, it's usually because I'm being busy and productive. I'm more likely to blog in a bad mood, because I'm not getting anything done then anyway. I realize, however, that you don't want to see a weekly rant from me about all the miserable little nothings going on in my life. So, in order to try to even out the positive:negative ratio of blog posts, I simply don't post as often as I could.

Recent Text Messages From My Father

Tuesday:
9:57PM
"Twins win! 4-3 on a pinch hit by Morales with 2 out in the 9th. You OK? Hsvent heard from you at all today. Im calling soon if you dont txt..."
9:59PM (after I texted him back saying I'm fine but busy. Text first if he wants to call)
"I dont want to bother you. Your txt let me know youre OK, so I dont have to call. Have a good night. Love you!"

Wednesday:
9:34PM
"So, how come you wont call or txt us, but the neighbors know all about what youre doing down there?"
(I don't reply because I guess I didn't hear it...)
9:52PM
"Hello? Whatcha up to?"
I reply and say "Sorry, I didn't see your first text." I meant to send another text message after that but forgot. He calls. "I haven't heard from you at all. I don't know what's going on." I try to explain that I haven't actually told these neighbors anything--they've simply seen things on facebook. He whines that they've mentioned seeing a bunch of pictures and hearing about all the cool things I'm doing. I've posted pictures of my room and pictures from the summer. Nothing he hasn't seen (although he left before I unpacked my room). I explain that I'm with friends and probably can't talk long, but he just wants to know what's been going on so I quickly fill him in on all the meetings and office hours I've had, my classes. He interrupts "You're talking really fast, like you have to pee."

... wtf?

I explain that my friends are waiting on me so I'm trying to fill him in quickly. He sounds insulted but suggests I call him sometime and says he won't try to call or text me unless I do first. He has been an empty-nester for a year now. Someone, please help him adjust.