(Dear friends who have actual blogs with actual points, I applaud you. But if you hadn't realized this yet, mine is not a blog like that. Mine is a "boredboredbored, here's what I did today" blog. So... yeah. Yours truly, Me.)
Alone time sucks. Wow. No wonder I was lonely so much last year. I went home and there was nobody around any more, just **POOF** alone. And I'm getting a reminder of that this weekend.
I've got a lot of time to think, and nothing to think about. And with everyone else's relationship drama away from my line of sight, I'm left thinking about my lack thereof. And as it turns out, social interaction with my friends is difficult without an actual source of income, as all anyone ever wants to do is go out to eat or go to the movies or go somewhere not free. I've spent way too much this semester and I have to get my budget back on track so I can pay for essential things like, y'know, tuition and textbooks. And I'm already cutting it kind of close, as it turns out.
Yes, I'm being whiny. Yes, I've brought most of this on myself. So I will now switch to a more optimistic note.
I took part in the nationwide celebration of masochism known as Black Friday shopping. The original plan was for Roomie 6 and I to go down and meet up with Shannon in Texas. Roomie 6 was going to pick up a friend who went to her high school, but who is at school in Texas. That friend actually had another friend with him and they drove separately. Shannon had to bail because she got home late last night and had to work later today. But 6 and I decided to go anyway and meet up with her friends and Galleria Dallas (big mall, kind of higher-end stores). Neither of us slept beforehand except for naps that we took around 10 last night. We left at about 3:30 a.m., with 6 driving, got there around 6:30. Shopped. It was all relatively minor shopping. Most of what I bought was for myself except one very small Christmas present. 6's friends are nice. I drove 6's car back while she slept, so even though her nap last night was shorter, she was then winning for total sleep. But I took a really long nap when I got back, so it was fine. I'm still pretty sad that Shannon bailed. And now I'm eating dinner alone. Pasta, with sauce. Which is probably what I'll be eating for the next three weeks, so I can actually stop spending ridiculous amounts of money.
The apartment is clean for when 1, 2, and 4 get back. A few dishes left, but I'll get those taken care of tonight. And... some homework to do. In fact, kind of a lot of homework to do, and mostly tonight. A bunch of lab data to analyze and graph and such. And... some research to read for a paper. And then I have to start figuring out if the library has the books I need for this paper. And if not, I need alternate sources of research. Long paper... can't wait. Oh wait... yes, yes I can.
Grouchy Sarah is grouchy.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Or... not?
So, now 4 and former-5 (who I'm going to continue referring to as 5, even though he is distinctly not a roommate any more) are broken up, but now they're on friendly terms again. Or at least, that was the situation as of the other night. And then last night (which is to say Tuesday night), we all (me, 4, 5, 6, and 6's actual suitemate, A) went to the Chickasha Festival of Light. And suddenly everyone was moody with everyone; or at least, 4 was moody with 5, 5 was nearly silent to 4, and A was being moody at everyone, leading me and 6 to get frustrated with the ridiculousness of it. OH MY GOD PEOPLE. BEING HAPPY WITH EACH OTHER FOR A FEW HOURS REALLY ISN'T THAT HARD.
But apparently it is.
In any case, let's skip to today (and now, unlike before, I mean "Today" in the "past midnight" sense). Thanksgiving. Yay. I'm the only one still at the apartment because 1, 2, and 4 have all gone home (I'm 3, if you hadn't made that connection). 6 went to 7's place for the holiday, as well as to see Wicked in Tulsa with 7 and 7's boyfriend. I'm one of about 6 people left in all of Norman, I think. I'm having two friends over for dinner, which will be a store-bought rotisserie chicken. One of those friends will actually be having a family dinner before that and bringing our party some of the leftovers. But until then I'm alone.
Alone sucks. Alone kind of puts some more emphasis on lonely. And there's not even any freaking snow around.
But apparently it is.
In any case, let's skip to today (and now, unlike before, I mean "Today" in the "past midnight" sense). Thanksgiving. Yay. I'm the only one still at the apartment because 1, 2, and 4 have all gone home (I'm 3, if you hadn't made that connection). 6 went to 7's place for the holiday, as well as to see Wicked in Tulsa with 7 and 7's boyfriend. I'm one of about 6 people left in all of Norman, I think. I'm having two friends over for dinner, which will be a store-bought rotisserie chicken. One of those friends will actually be having a family dinner before that and bringing our party some of the leftovers. But until then I'm alone.
Alone sucks. Alone kind of puts some more emphasis on lonely. And there's not even any freaking snow around.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Well, crap-o
As of this morning, Roomie 4 and the character formerly known as 5 are officially broken up. In 4's own words, I "lost a brother" in this. Meaning yes, I am expected to stop talking to him now that they are not a thing. Which is fair, I suppose. I think that if I were in her position I would have the same expectation of whoever was in my position. But the fact is, I opened up to him in ways that only close friends do. I've told him things that 4 doesn't know about me. Things my biological sister probably doesn't even know. Things it took me months or years to tell my best friends. I'd really like for this friendship to have lasted more than 3 months, but without hurting 4, I don't think there's much I can do about it. At least not for now.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Stress might be a good thing?
I feel like I'm definitely doing better than I was at last posting. Yeah, it's only been a week. But I'm willing to accept that it was a phase and I'm moving out of it. Why? Because it's optimistic, and optimism is good for you, too.
Part of it might be that I've actually been having to do things again, somewhat suddenly. I realized how hectic it's going to be to throw together next semester's weekend program. I've realized that Protection Committee progress has fallen way behind schedule.
And I've been taking care of a roommate. But I suppose I need to back up a little bit for that story to seem nearly as significant as it is.
I mentioned briefly in September that my roommate, roomie #4, to be exact, had a boyfriend who she was with all the time. I also mentioned, I believe, that he and I got along really well. Well, he was established as roomie #5 in our apartment, making him basically a permanent installment. He had shoes in our entryway, food on our counter, his xbox in the living room, and a poster on the wall. Just for a start. And when I mentioned in September that we were basically long-lost siblings, I wasn't really exaggerating. He was regularly referred to as my brother. He got me to tell most of my life story one night so he could psychoanalyze the whole thing and figure out why I am the way I am. And that's a long and complicated story, I imagine.
But out of the blue last Friday, 5 told 4 that he was unhappy with... something about their relationship. The time they spent together had become a burden of sorts, in that it had become an expectation, and he wanted to take a break. Now, "break" means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Everyone remembers that episode of Friends, right? So 4 was devastated and thought there was no plan to talk at all until at least Thanksgiving, when they are scheduled to take the same plane home. And because of the way 5 had come to her, as if, she said, they were completely strangers and not grade school friends who had been in a relationship for five months (to the day yesterday, in fact), she was upset. He sent me a text that day telling me to take care of her. From where I stood, "taking care of her" seemed like it meant "inflicting physical harm on whoever hurt her." I informed him of such, but nothing came of it. Because that night they talked. And they clarified a few things about what "break" meant.
So they decided to not spend all of their time together. And they decided to go on actual dates instead of permanently attached at each other's side. So to 4 (and to myself, but I don't really have a solid perspective), this sounds like a general step back. But 5 has called it "starting over" as though the relationship never existed. And all of his stuff is suddenly gone from the apartment. And 4 has more free time than she's had in months and doesn't know what to do with it to avoid dwelling on the Limbo that is her relationship status.
So... I'm attempting to help her deal with that, and also working on housing stuff and also trying to keep myself from doing horrendously on tests that keep happening. Like the ones tomorrow and Monday. Should be fun!
Part of it might be that I've actually been having to do things again, somewhat suddenly. I realized how hectic it's going to be to throw together next semester's weekend program. I've realized that Protection Committee progress has fallen way behind schedule.
And I've been taking care of a roommate. But I suppose I need to back up a little bit for that story to seem nearly as significant as it is.
I mentioned briefly in September that my roommate, roomie #4, to be exact, had a boyfriend who she was with all the time. I also mentioned, I believe, that he and I got along really well. Well, he was established as roomie #5 in our apartment, making him basically a permanent installment. He had shoes in our entryway, food on our counter, his xbox in the living room, and a poster on the wall. Just for a start. And when I mentioned in September that we were basically long-lost siblings, I wasn't really exaggerating. He was regularly referred to as my brother. He got me to tell most of my life story one night so he could psychoanalyze the whole thing and figure out why I am the way I am. And that's a long and complicated story, I imagine.
But out of the blue last Friday, 5 told 4 that he was unhappy with... something about their relationship. The time they spent together had become a burden of sorts, in that it had become an expectation, and he wanted to take a break. Now, "break" means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Everyone remembers that episode of Friends, right? So 4 was devastated and thought there was no plan to talk at all until at least Thanksgiving, when they are scheduled to take the same plane home. And because of the way 5 had come to her, as if, she said, they were completely strangers and not grade school friends who had been in a relationship for five months (to the day yesterday, in fact), she was upset. He sent me a text that day telling me to take care of her. From where I stood, "taking care of her" seemed like it meant "inflicting physical harm on whoever hurt her." I informed him of such, but nothing came of it. Because that night they talked. And they clarified a few things about what "break" meant.
So they decided to not spend all of their time together. And they decided to go on actual dates instead of permanently attached at each other's side. So to 4 (and to myself, but I don't really have a solid perspective), this sounds like a general step back. But 5 has called it "starting over" as though the relationship never existed. And all of his stuff is suddenly gone from the apartment. And 4 has more free time than she's had in months and doesn't know what to do with it to avoid dwelling on the Limbo that is her relationship status.
So... I'm attempting to help her deal with that, and also working on housing stuff and also trying to keep myself from doing horrendously on tests that keep happening. Like the ones tomorrow and Monday. Should be fun!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
How... different.
I've felt kind of zombie-ish the last few days. I haven't wanted to do anything. Every time I got in my car yesterday (at least 5, by the way), I've gotten to my destination and just sat there. Why should I go in? What good is class? My apartment? Why would I want to be there? Office hours? Why don't I just stay here and listen to music and eat apple chips?
Not like sitting there sounds any better. It just sounds like less thought. Less pretending to think. But I've gone to class and I've gone inside. When I realize I don't want to, I just force myself to fall back on the muscle memory that this semester has formed. Go inside. Sit around. Go back outside.
I haven't felt this way in a while. It worries me a little.
I'm trying to stay motivated, but I don't know where to start.
Of course, there are moments that aren't like that. I'm still having fun, minute-to-minute. But as soon as I go home, whether I'm doing anything or not, I'm just falling back on muscle memory, either to procrastinate or actually get things done.
Maybe the visiting parents this weekend will help? Doubtful. It'll just pull me away from homework/studying which will leave me even more stressed and make me want to shut down more.
Not like sitting there sounds any better. It just sounds like less thought. Less pretending to think. But I've gone to class and I've gone inside. When I realize I don't want to, I just force myself to fall back on the muscle memory that this semester has formed. Go inside. Sit around. Go back outside.
I haven't felt this way in a while. It worries me a little.
I'm trying to stay motivated, but I don't know where to start.
Of course, there are moments that aren't like that. I'm still having fun, minute-to-minute. But as soon as I go home, whether I'm doing anything or not, I'm just falling back on muscle memory, either to procrastinate or actually get things done.
Maybe the visiting parents this weekend will help? Doubtful. It'll just pull me away from homework/studying which will leave me even more stressed and make me want to shut down more.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Whining about being whiny...
This has gotten maybe a little ridiculous.
It's my own fault.
I need to sleep.
And I need to stop procrastinating.
All of a sudden I seem to have lost my capacity to deal with stress. It's not that bad. It's no worse than it's been the rest of the semester. But there's SWACURH coming up. I leave on Thursday. Which means I miss and have to make up a quiz and a test on Monday. And I have assignments due online Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Monday mornings. And I have to make my presentation for SWACURH. Well, I've made it. But now I have to basically start over and make it not look horrible, because my background was too distracting and...
Everyone else recently had the increased workload due to Safe Trick-or-Treat. I didn't have that to deal with. My entire time commitment on that was working on Thursday night. Which I did. And yet, I've been as stressed as anyone, and showing it more than most. And I don't understand why I'm suddenly incapable of dealing with it.
I say this way too often, but I really really need a break. An actual break. A break which allows me to sleep in and not feel like there's stuff I need to be doing at all times. One where I don't have to feel guilty when I realize I've spent another hour watching TV. Or sleeping.
Sleep schedule:
Tuesday... nope. BNL concert, and JiTT due Wednesday morning.
Wednesday... ha. Advising appointment at 2. "spirit hours" for SWACURH/HCSA, meeting with the advisers to show them the updates on my presentation (when am I supposed to update it?! ah!), finish the assignment due Thursday morning (which is just a bibliography and I only need two more sources), pack for SWACURH
Thursday... meeting to leave for SWACURH at 11. Then spending all day either in a car, on a campus, or in a hotel with the rest of the delegation, possibly doing a run-through of the presentation for the advisers.
Friday... SWACURH events start at 8, I believe, and end at 1. Sure, a little of that end time includes entertainment, which I can and probably will skip out on... but yeah.
Saturday... Same as Friday.
Sunday... leaving at 6 a.m. to come back to OU. Studying for make-up test and quiz which take place on Monday. Assignment due Monday morning.
Monday... Classes, make-up quiz between classes, make-up test after classes, office hours, meetings until about 10.
Parents are visiting the following weekend, which means... I don't even know what it means. The closest hotel available was in OKC, so it probably means late nights and early mornings and no time to do homework because dad is very possessive of my time when they decide to visit.
And I have a paper due November 16 that I haven't even solidly picked a topic for, but I'm pretty sure it's expected to be 7-10 pages or so... Some sort of taxation issue. Might write it about how they decided to raise revenue for Target Field. Maybe? If I can find any relevant research, because it's an actual important paper and requires peer-reviewed sources and such.
And I don't know what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. I've been sort of invited to Shannon's maybe, but I've been spending way too much money and probably shouldn't drive down to Texas. So maybe doing a potluck thing with some friends? But I don't know who will actually be in town and not planning for dinner with friends. So maybe I'll just eat a turkey sandwich and call it a day.
And a giant 15-page paper due December 10, for which I've found about 2/3 of the research material, but still need to actually get hold of it (inter-library loan and such), not to mention read it.
And sometime before that, I'm expected to put together another Exec Team Development activity... which would be great and easy if people would freaking reply to my emails. Ugh.
I've enrolled in 4 of my 5 classes for next semester. That's good, right? And I somehow got lucky enough that I have no finals on my 21st birthday (the Monday of finals week) and my earliest final on Tuesday is 1:30, and it's my easiest class, microecon. Again, that seems lucky-ish. Still waiting to enroll in my last class, because I need permission from the College of Journalism because I'm not a journalism major and blah blah blah. But need to talk to the other adviser first (see Wednesday, waaaayyyyy above).
It's my own fault.
I need to sleep.
And I need to stop procrastinating.
All of a sudden I seem to have lost my capacity to deal with stress. It's not that bad. It's no worse than it's been the rest of the semester. But there's SWACURH coming up. I leave on Thursday. Which means I miss and have to make up a quiz and a test on Monday. And I have assignments due online Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Monday mornings. And I have to make my presentation for SWACURH. Well, I've made it. But now I have to basically start over and make it not look horrible, because my background was too distracting and...
Everyone else recently had the increased workload due to Safe Trick-or-Treat. I didn't have that to deal with. My entire time commitment on that was working on Thursday night. Which I did. And yet, I've been as stressed as anyone, and showing it more than most. And I don't understand why I'm suddenly incapable of dealing with it.
I say this way too often, but I really really need a break. An actual break. A break which allows me to sleep in and not feel like there's stuff I need to be doing at all times. One where I don't have to feel guilty when I realize I've spent another hour watching TV. Or sleeping.
Sleep schedule:
Tuesday... nope. BNL concert, and JiTT due Wednesday morning.
Wednesday... ha. Advising appointment at 2. "spirit hours" for SWACURH/HCSA, meeting with the advisers to show them the updates on my presentation (when am I supposed to update it?! ah!), finish the assignment due Thursday morning (which is just a bibliography and I only need two more sources), pack for SWACURH
Thursday... meeting to leave for SWACURH at 11. Then spending all day either in a car, on a campus, or in a hotel with the rest of the delegation, possibly doing a run-through of the presentation for the advisers.
Friday... SWACURH events start at 8, I believe, and end at 1. Sure, a little of that end time includes entertainment, which I can and probably will skip out on... but yeah.
Saturday... Same as Friday.
Sunday... leaving at 6 a.m. to come back to OU. Studying for make-up test and quiz which take place on Monday. Assignment due Monday morning.
Monday... Classes, make-up quiz between classes, make-up test after classes, office hours, meetings until about 10.
Parents are visiting the following weekend, which means... I don't even know what it means. The closest hotel available was in OKC, so it probably means late nights and early mornings and no time to do homework because dad is very possessive of my time when they decide to visit.
And I have a paper due November 16 that I haven't even solidly picked a topic for, but I'm pretty sure it's expected to be 7-10 pages or so... Some sort of taxation issue. Might write it about how they decided to raise revenue for Target Field. Maybe? If I can find any relevant research, because it's an actual important paper and requires peer-reviewed sources and such.
And I don't know what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. I've been sort of invited to Shannon's maybe, but I've been spending way too much money and probably shouldn't drive down to Texas. So maybe doing a potluck thing with some friends? But I don't know who will actually be in town and not planning for dinner with friends. So maybe I'll just eat a turkey sandwich and call it a day.
And a giant 15-page paper due December 10, for which I've found about 2/3 of the research material, but still need to actually get hold of it (inter-library loan and such), not to mention read it.
And sometime before that, I'm expected to put together another Exec Team Development activity... which would be great and easy if people would freaking reply to my emails. Ugh.
I've enrolled in 4 of my 5 classes for next semester. That's good, right? And I somehow got lucky enough that I have no finals on my 21st birthday (the Monday of finals week) and my earliest final on Tuesday is 1:30, and it's my easiest class, microecon. Again, that seems lucky-ish. Still waiting to enroll in my last class, because I need permission from the College of Journalism because I'm not a journalism major and blah blah blah. But need to talk to the other adviser first (see Wednesday, waaaayyyyy above).
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