Oops!

I sincerely had not realized how long it's been since I last updated here.  It's been busy, to say the least.

Since my last post, I've turned in two major papers, taken all my finals, auditioned for a weather spot in the nightly student news program (broadcast all over Oklahoma), and driven a near-record time for the trip home.

Classes ended very well.  As a recap, I took:

• Atmospheric Dynamics (meteorology physics)
• (Atmospheric) Thermodynamics (meteorology chemistry)
• Meteorological Measurements (also known as "Tetris", at least to me.  A class about thermometers and barometers and things)
• Climate, History, and Society (meets both my climatology and my geography requirements.  Upper division, taken with roomie 4--who is also in another of his classes--and also offered at a grad student level)
• Public Finance-Issues of taxation (econ)

In order of the finals...

Thermodynamics was my favorite METR class, although not necessarily the easiest.  Still, the concepts made sense to me and I was reasonably confident about it.  It was my first final and took place at 1:30 on Monday.  We were allowed two sheets, front and back, of handwritten notes for the final.  I was reasonably confident but stayed up studying until about 4:30 and woke up again at 9 to study.  He had these graded by Wednesday and, although I didn't do quite as well as I had hoped on the exam, I got an "A" in the class.

Tuesday at 1:30 was my Econ exam.  This is the one I was least worried about, but I studied hard for it because there was a fair amount of memorization involved.  I think my studying times were comparable to those from the day before (slept roughly 4:30-9).

Wednesday was my tough day.  Both of my hardest finals were then.

As soon as I got back from my Econ final, I met up with Roomie 4 and our mutual friend from New Jersey who were in Climate/History/Society (CHS) with me.  That exam was to take place at 1:30 on Wednesday.  I also had Dynamics (probably my hardest course, but I'll get into that in a minute) at 8 a.m. Wednesday.  So the plan was to go to NJ's place.  I let them go ahead of me, while I tried to come up with a plan of attack for studying.  Instead I panicked and cried a little and sent roomie 6 a three-page text message freaking out.  Once I got that out of my system, I headed over to NJ's place (in the same apartment complex as mine) and found him and 4 with a bottle of really really cheap wine.  So we studied and had a glass and I calmed down a bit and it was an overall productive time.  Even if it was interrupted with occasional breaks for important things like gelato and Mario Kart.

We finished that around 10 that night, and then I tried to prevent myself from further panic and start studying dynamics.  I didn't get very far, so I finally met up with roomie 6 at the library, in a private study room.

Dynamics is tough enough that his grading scale is completely warped.  An "A" (90% in most classes) was 75% in this class.  Most people would consider that a C.  A "B" was 65%.  I wasn't doing great in the class (I considered it the hardest of the Junior Year METR sequence, i.e. the "Unholy Trinity"), but I only needed a 35% on the test in order to maintain a B in the class.  Somehow, having been awake for about 24 hours at the time of the test, I managed to do this.  In fact, I ended up with a final grade average of 72% for the class--much close to an "A" than I expected.

After the dynamics test, I went back to NJ's place so the three of us could finish studying for CHS.  But in my car on the way there I noticed my "check engine soon" light was on.  Just the stress I needed.  Well, we finished studying around 11, went to lunch, and were in the classroom for the test an hour early.  I was feeling confident, but he threw a few curveballs on the test and asked about random tidbits from the presentations the grad students had to give.  Eek.  He hates his children, though, and had the tests graded by Friday afternoon.  I got an A in that class too.

Thursday I had off.  So after my Wednesday finals, I tried to take care of the light on my car (unplugged and replugged the battery and never had to deal with it again), took a nap, played some Mario Kart with 4 and NJ.  And then went back to bed to mess around on the internet and watch Christmas movies.  By 11 pm (still on Wednesday night), 4 was already yelling at me to just go to sleep.  So I did.  The previous nap was all the sleep I had gotten since waking up Tuesday morning.  I slept until about 11 Thursday morning (probably about 11 hours of sleep), and then thought about what had to be done to prep for my last final.  Measurements.  We got three pages, front and back, of typed notes for this exam.  The previous tests in the class had allowed one and two pages, respectively.  So I went back through my notes from the first test, made sure what I had written down was complete, unstapled the notes from the second exam from the back of that test, and added a few things from the last few weeks of class (after the second exam) to the empty spaces in the first exam's notes sheet, and called it a night around 4 a.m.  Yeah, I played a lot of Mario Kart and otherwise wasted a lot of time on Thursday.  But y'know, the break felt nice.

My final was at 8 a.m. Friday.  Finals are scheduled to take 2 hours, but I had it turned in 40 minutes early and 20 minutes later I got a text message from facebook.  It was a private message from my professor (who I'm not facebook friends with), telling me I had gotten a 90% on the exam and, thus, an "A" in the class.  Creepy, but joyful nonetheless.

I was just laying down for another nap (to prep myself for a day of packing and cleaning) when I got a text from former roomie 5 (who has since been replaced with, well, Eddie, who will now be known as 5.1, though 4 calls him 5.  whatever), who I had been texting for the last week to set up lunch plans.

Yeah, it might have been a tiny bit... questionable, socially.   I didn't tell 4 that I was planning on meeting with 5.  That said, I would not lie to her if it came up.  5 is my bro, and I can't just not be friends with him.  I refuse to let that be a thing.

So anyway, instead of me taking a nap, I went with 5 to get burritos and chat, and we did so for a couple hours.  And then I came home and packed and cleaned, and went to a party for a little while, and then cleaned a little more and then it was 2 a.m. Saturday and I was planning on leaving at 8:30 for the trip home with a friend, BK (story behind the name coming next), who would be in the car with me as far as Des Moines because he lives in Southern Illinois and his dad was going to meet us there.

So we get in the car, surprisingly on time.  Made good progress right through the Kansas Turnpike without having to make a single stop (thanks, in some part, to a Kansas State Trooper who apparently decided 5 mph over was not worth his time, thank goodness).  Of those first 4.5 hours, BK slept at least 3 of them.  And for another hour, he listens to music on his headphones (which he did again later).  COMMON COURTESY: on a long trip, it is the responsibility of the passengers to do anything within their power to keep the driver awayke!  And then we stop in Ottawa, KS.  The signs at this exit said there was a Burger King here, but then I saw a McDonald's as we got off the highway, and this made me happy because McDonald's actually makes good lattes.  So I turn off the main road to go to McDonald's... and BK stops me.  "No, I don't like McDonald's" he says as I turn.  "I want Burger King."  Apparently he hasn't eaten McDonald's since he saw the movie "Food, Inc." in high school; he made a bet with his mom that he wouldn't eat McD's for a year and, even with that time long up, hasn't eaten it since.  But Burger King is just fine.  REALLY?!

So we pull into Burger King and I go to the bathroom (having had a can of Mountain Dew and a bottle of Vault so far), and then get in line where he's waiting.  And when we get up there, without so much as looking at me, he orders his food to eat there instead of to go.  It being too late, and having been made somewhat of a big deal of by the employees, I didn't bother changing it.  We eat, we get back in the car, fill up with gas, hit the road again.

Three hours later, we're in Iowa.  Now, if you've somehow forgotten, I hate Iowa.  It's boring, it tries to kill me, and it doesn't make sense.  So if I can avoid stopping more than once in Iowa, I do.  Maybe an hour from Des Moines, BK has to go to the bathroom.  "Well, I've done all night video game things where I can't leave, so, I mean, I can hold it for a while."  But he doesn't drop it.  I ask how badly he has to go.  "Well... I mean... we don't have to just pull over right now or anything.  But next possible stop."  UGH.  I'M THE GIRL ON THIS TRIP.  I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE WITH THE TINY BLADDER.  And he threatens to pee in a cup, so I pull over at the next rest stop.  45 minutes from where I'm dropping him off with his dad.  And even though I've now had that Vault and Mountain Dew and a drink from Burger King, I don't so much as get out of the car because I don't want to prolong this at all.

When we get out of the car in Des Moines, his dad asks me if I need money for gas or anything, and, though I was hoping to avoid doing so, I had to awkwardly say "er... yeah, that'd be nice, I guess."  Like, no, it's not technically any trouble, seeing as I didn't have to change my route at all (in fact, probably would have made this exact same stop here even without a passenger), but yeah, splitting the trip usually means splitting the gas cost.  So far I've used about two almost-full tanks.  At $2.80-ish each and 12 gallons or so, that's.... eh, close to $30, we'll say, per tank.  Two people, two tanks... BK's dad looks at BK while pulling out his wallet "You got it or should I?"  But BK pulls out his wallet "No, no, I got it," and gives me a $20.  At this point, it's already awkward enough and I just want to be on my way so I say thanks and put it in my back pocket and decide not to care.  Yes, frustrated.  But just... ugh.

The rest of the trip went smoothly.  I didn't have to make another stop anywhere along the route.  I've since been to Caribou twice and had good times and good coffee.  But I get to make two-thirds of the trip back with this kid too.  Yeah... kind of not looking forward to that.

Bed time.  Update on winter-break-type things someday soon, probably.

Alone time

(Dear friends who have actual blogs with actual points,  I applaud you.  But if you hadn't realized this yet, mine is not a blog like that.  Mine is a "boredboredbored, here's what I did today" blog.  So... yeah.  Yours truly, Me.)

Alone time sucks.  Wow.  No wonder I was lonely so much last year.  I went home and there was nobody around any more, just **POOF** alone.  And I'm getting a reminder of that this weekend.

I've got a lot of time to think, and nothing to think about.  And with everyone else's relationship drama away from my line of sight, I'm left thinking about my lack thereof.  And as it turns out, social interaction with my friends is difficult without an actual source of income, as all anyone ever wants to do is go out to eat or go to the movies or go somewhere not free.  I've spent way too much this semester and I have to get my budget back on track so I can pay for essential things like, y'know, tuition and textbooks.  And I'm already cutting it kind of close, as it turns out.

Yes, I'm being whiny.  Yes, I've brought most of this on myself.  So I will now switch to a more optimistic note.

I took part in the nationwide celebration of masochism known as Black Friday shopping.  The original plan was for Roomie 6 and I to go down and meet up with Shannon in Texas.  Roomie 6 was going to pick up a friend who went to her high school, but who is at school in Texas.  That friend actually had another friend with him and they drove separately.  Shannon had to bail because she got home late last night and had to work later today.  But 6 and I decided to go anyway and meet up with her friends and Galleria Dallas (big mall, kind of higher-end stores).  Neither of us slept beforehand except for naps that we took around 10 last night.  We left at about 3:30 a.m., with 6 driving, got there around 6:30.  Shopped.  It was all relatively minor shopping.  Most of what I bought was for myself except one very small Christmas present.  6's friends are nice.  I drove 6's car back while she slept, so even though her nap last night was shorter, she was then winning for total sleep.  But I took a really long nap when I got back, so it was fine.  I'm still pretty sad that Shannon bailed.  And now I'm eating dinner alone.  Pasta, with sauce.  Which is probably what I'll be eating for the next three weeks, so I can actually stop spending ridiculous amounts of money.

The apartment is clean for when 1, 2, and 4 get back.  A few dishes left, but I'll get those taken care of tonight.  And... some homework to do.  In fact, kind of a lot of homework to do, and mostly tonight.  A bunch of lab data to analyze and graph and such.  And...  some research to read for a paper.  And then I have to start figuring out if the library has the books I need for this paper.  And if not, I need alternate sources of research.  Long paper... can't wait.  Oh wait... yes, yes I can.

Grouchy Sarah is grouchy.

Or... not?

So, now 4 and former-5 (who I'm going to continue referring to as 5, even though he is distinctly not a roommate any more) are broken up, but now they're on friendly terms again.  Or at least, that was the situation as of the other night.  And then last night (which is to say Tuesday night), we all (me, 4, 5, 6, and 6's actual suitemate, A) went to the Chickasha Festival of Light.  And suddenly everyone was moody with everyone; or at least, 4 was moody with 5, 5 was nearly silent to 4, and A was being moody at everyone, leading me and 6 to get frustrated with the ridiculousness of it.  OH MY GOD PEOPLE.  BEING HAPPY WITH EACH OTHER FOR A FEW HOURS REALLY ISN'T THAT HARD.

But apparently it is.

In any case, let's skip to today (and now, unlike before, I mean "Today" in the "past midnight" sense).  Thanksgiving.  Yay.  I'm the only one still at the apartment because 1, 2, and 4 have all gone home (I'm 3, if you hadn't made that connection).  6 went to 7's place for the holiday, as well as to see Wicked in Tulsa with 7 and 7's boyfriend.  I'm one of about 6 people left in all of Norman, I think.  I'm having two friends over for dinner, which will be a store-bought rotisserie chicken.  One of those friends will actually be having a family dinner before that and bringing our party some of the leftovers.  But until then I'm alone.

Alone sucks.  Alone kind of puts some more emphasis on lonely.  And there's not even any freaking snow around.

Well, crap-o

As of this morning, Roomie 4 and the character formerly known as 5 are officially broken up.  In 4's own words, I "lost a brother" in this.  Meaning yes, I am expected to stop talking to him now that they are not a thing.  Which is fair, I suppose.  I think that if I were in her position I would have the same expectation of whoever was in my position.  But the fact is, I opened up to him in ways that only close friends do.  I've told him things that 4 doesn't know about me.  Things my biological sister probably doesn't even know.  Things it took me months or years to tell my best friends.  I'd really like for this friendship to have lasted more than 3 months, but without hurting 4, I don't think there's much I can do about it.  At least not for now.

Stress might be a good thing?

I feel like I'm definitely doing better than I was at last posting.  Yeah, it's only been a week.  But I'm willing to accept that it was a phase and I'm moving out of it.  Why?  Because it's optimistic, and optimism is good for you, too.

Part of it might be that I've actually been having to do things again, somewhat suddenly.  I realized how hectic it's going to be to throw together next semester's weekend program.  I've realized that Protection Committee progress has fallen way behind schedule.

And I've been taking care of a roommate.  But I suppose I need to back up a little bit for that story to seem nearly as significant as it is.

I mentioned briefly in September that my roommate, roomie #4, to be exact, had a boyfriend who she was with all the time.  I also mentioned, I believe, that he and I got along really well.  Well, he was established as roomie #5 in our apartment, making him basically a permanent installment.  He had shoes in our entryway, food on our counter, his xbox in the living room, and a poster on the wall.  Just for a start.  And when I mentioned in September that we were basically long-lost siblings, I wasn't really exaggerating.  He was regularly referred to as my brother.  He got me to tell most of my life story one night so he could psychoanalyze the whole thing and figure out why I am the way I am.  And that's a long and complicated story, I imagine.

But out of the blue last Friday, 5 told 4 that he was unhappy with... something about their relationship.  The time they spent together had become a burden of sorts, in that it had become an expectation, and he wanted to take a break.  Now, "break" means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.  Everyone remembers that episode of Friends, right?  So 4 was devastated and thought there was no plan to talk at all until at least Thanksgiving, when they are scheduled to take the same plane home.  And because of the way 5 had come to her, as if, she said, they were completely strangers and not grade school friends who had been in a relationship for five months (to the day yesterday, in fact), she was upset.  He sent me a text that day telling me to take care of her.  From where I stood, "taking care of her" seemed like it meant "inflicting physical harm on whoever hurt her."  I informed him of such, but nothing came of it.  Because that night they talked.  And they clarified a few things about what "break" meant.

So they decided to not spend all of their time together.  And they decided to go on actual dates instead of permanently attached at each other's side.  So to 4 (and to myself, but I don't really have a solid perspective), this sounds like a general step back.  But 5 has called it "starting over" as though the relationship never existed.  And all of his stuff is suddenly gone from the apartment.  And 4 has more free time than she's had in months and doesn't know what to do with it to avoid dwelling on the Limbo that is her relationship status.


So... I'm attempting to help her deal with that, and also working on housing stuff and also trying to keep myself from doing horrendously on tests that keep happening.  Like the ones tomorrow and Monday.  Should be fun!

How... different.

I've felt kind of zombie-ish the last few days.  I haven't wanted to do anything.  Every time I got in my car yesterday (at least 5, by the way), I've gotten to my destination and just sat there.  Why should I go in?  What good is class?  My apartment?  Why would I want to be there?  Office hours?  Why don't I just stay here and listen to music and eat apple chips?

Not like sitting there sounds any better.  It just sounds like less thought.  Less pretending to think.  But I've gone to class and I've gone inside.  When I realize I don't want to, I just force myself to fall back on the muscle memory that this semester has formed.  Go inside.  Sit around.  Go back outside.

I haven't felt this way in a while.  It worries me a little.

I'm trying to stay motivated, but I don't know where to start.

Of course, there are moments that aren't like that.  I'm still having fun, minute-to-minute.  But as soon as I go home, whether I'm doing anything or not, I'm just falling back on muscle memory, either to procrastinate or actually get things done.

Maybe the visiting parents this weekend will help?  Doubtful.  It'll just pull me away from homework/studying which will leave me even more stressed and make me want to shut down more.

Whining about being whiny...

This has gotten maybe a little ridiculous.
It's my own fault.
I need to sleep.
And I need to stop procrastinating.

All of a sudden I seem to have lost my capacity to deal with stress. It's not that bad. It's no worse than it's been the rest of the semester. But there's SWACURH coming up. I leave on Thursday. Which means I miss and have to make up a quiz and a test on Monday. And I have assignments due online Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Monday mornings. And I have to make my presentation for SWACURH. Well, I've made it. But now I have to basically start over and make it not look horrible, because my background was too distracting and...

Everyone else recently had the increased workload due to Safe Trick-or-Treat. I didn't have that to deal with. My entire time commitment on that was working on Thursday night. Which I did. And yet, I've been as stressed as anyone, and showing it more than most. And I don't understand why I'm suddenly incapable of dealing with it.

I say this way too often, but I really really need a break. An actual break. A break which allows me to sleep in and not feel like there's stuff I need to be doing at all times. One where I don't have to feel guilty when I realize I've spent another hour watching TV. Or sleeping.

Sleep schedule:
Tuesday... nope. BNL concert, and JiTT due Wednesday morning.
Wednesday... ha. Advising appointment at 2. "spirit hours" for SWACURH/HCSA, meeting with the advisers to show them the updates on my presentation (when am I supposed to update it?! ah!), finish the assignment due Thursday morning (which is just a bibliography and I only need two more sources), pack for SWACURH
Thursday... meeting to leave for SWACURH at 11. Then spending all day either in a car, on a campus, or in a hotel with the rest of the delegation, possibly doing a run-through of the presentation for the advisers.
Friday... SWACURH events start at 8, I believe, and end at 1. Sure, a little of that end time includes entertainment, which I can and probably will skip out on... but yeah.
Saturday... Same as Friday.
Sunday... leaving at 6 a.m. to come back to OU. Studying for make-up test and quiz which take place on Monday. Assignment due Monday morning.
Monday... Classes, make-up quiz between classes, make-up test after classes, office hours, meetings until about 10.
Parents are visiting the following weekend, which means... I don't even know what it means. The closest hotel available was in OKC, so it probably means late nights and early mornings and no time to do homework because dad is very possessive of my time when they decide to visit.

And I have a paper due November 16 that I haven't even solidly picked a topic for, but I'm pretty sure it's expected to be 7-10 pages or so... Some sort of taxation issue. Might write it about how they decided to raise revenue for Target Field. Maybe? If I can find any relevant research, because it's an actual important paper and requires peer-reviewed sources and such.

And I don't know what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. I've been sort of invited to Shannon's maybe, but I've been spending way too much money and probably shouldn't drive down to Texas. So maybe doing a potluck thing with some friends? But I don't know who will actually be in town and not planning for dinner with friends. So maybe I'll just eat a turkey sandwich and call it a day.

And a giant 15-page paper due December 10, for which I've found about 2/3 of the research material, but still need to actually get hold of it (inter-library loan and such), not to mention read it.

And sometime before that, I'm expected to put together another Exec Team Development activity... which would be great and easy if people would freaking reply to my emails. Ugh.


I've enrolled in 4 of my 5 classes for next semester. That's good, right? And I somehow got lucky enough that I have no finals on my 21st birthday (the Monday of finals week) and my earliest final on Tuesday is 1:30, and it's my easiest class, microecon. Again, that seems lucky-ish. Still waiting to enroll in my last class, because I need permission from the College of Journalism because I'm not a journalism major and blah blah blah. But need to talk to the other adviser first (see Wednesday, waaaayyyyy above).

MLIH (My Life Is Housing)

Created a facebook page on Monday called "My Life Is Housing" (modeled the after "my life is average" and "f my life" websites).
I already posted on there once today, but if I hadn't, I'd probably post again.

Tonight, I saw that a friend and fellow exec was having a hard night, so I thought I'd bring her some ('bou) hot cocoa and a hug to cheer her up. By the time I got to her room, half of the exec team and an RA were already there and had brought cookies. We proceeded to have a dance party. MLIH. :)

Oh, and in other news... this is what my schedule looks like right now. And this is not counting any of the regularly scheduled things (except the one Monday where I marked "MMM", meaning Monday Meeting Madness, meetings from 7-10, not to mention office hours 2:30-6. Forgot to mark that in the other weeks, though).

(yeah, it's blurry, but it should give you the scope of hecticness that this month contains)

Something I'm considering...

I'm more than halfway done with my undergrad years. Well... probably. In any case, I'm trying to figure out what's next, and one of the things I'm seriously considering is this:
OU's Adult and Higher Education Master's Program
So... still looking into this, talking to people about it, etc. And, y'know... we'll see how the weather broadcast thing works out, too.

Remind me not to explode

Some days, you just need to rant. And I'm not quite sure when today (tonight) became one of those days (nights), but if I don't, I'm either going to explode or kill someone.

Person K got all pissy tonight because I hadn't realized she did programming things in high school. Mind, I don't think her high school ones were as involved as the programming I'm doing today, but clearly she views it otherwise. Fine, I'll take her word for it. But she has no reason to get pissy at me for that: she's never said anything about it. And when she said she did, I asked questions to get the relevant details: what scale of programming, were you working alone, etc. And apparently now she's mad at me.

This all came up because she decided to have her birthday party the night before my giant program. That's fine. That's when her birthday is. But here's the thing: her birthday party is apparently going to involve spending a night at a cabin an hour and a half away. Sorry, I can't commit to going to that. I'm going to be stressed as it is without being hours from cell service or wifi. It's my BIG program of the semester, and I'm going to be focused on/stressed about that. So I told her I'd try to make it, if everyone else is out there. Oops. The "if" statement pissed her off, because apparently she thinks everybody is going to say the same thing; she has decided that she alone is not good enough to deserve our company. Or at least she's decided we feel that way. Good God! Yes, I phrased my statement poorly, but all I meant was that it's very early in the planning stages and if EVERYONE else has conflicts, then it would be wiser to cancel than to rent a cabin for her and maybe a couple hours of me.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. But my mind has been racing too much the last few days to let me sleep before 3 a.m. And here I am, almost 3:30. Fuck.

I need someone or something to calm me down right now. Someone. Oh, yes, back to that. Being single in this town effing sucks. I mean, at home, yeah, I had a whole two friends, and that wasn't great, but both of them were in long or long-ish distance relationships and I don't have to deal directly with all the couple-y-ness. My roommate is with her boyfriend 24/7. He's a great guy. No, really, he is. In fact, it's been decided that, the way he and I get along, we must be long-lost siblings. But they are a couple and I am not in a couple, and they do couple things and are around all the time and aaaagh. Yay, rubbing singleness in my face. Even K, who is notoriously... noncommitted, shall we say, is in an actual relationship now. I've been ridiculously needy lately, and given what I'm looking for, I probably wouldn't want to be with me at the moment. So I guess I can't get mad at the rest of the world for that.


...

...

...

...
*EXPLODES*

Update

Yeah, it's been a while. And since my last post, we (semi-) successfully returned from vacation, went camping, and then I came back to school for training and, eventually, even classes.

So now I'm at the weekend after the first week of school. Apparently at home, life goes on; both my best friend and my parents are at the state fair and I couldn't be more jealous. Maybe I'll go to the Texas State Fair to make up for it. (pro-tip: it may not have cheese curds, but I'm told it's MONSTROUSLY huge. And it lasts three weeks. That said, they don't even have the 'food finder' on their website up and running yet.)

Classes are... well, they're interesting at the very least. So even when I get frustrated with them, at least I can say "Well, hey, these are my core classes. They're actually the things I want to be learning." That's a nice change. And for more details on classes... well, I'm taking the "unholy trinity" of Junior-year METR courses. Dynamics, Thermodynamics, and Measurements. I've got Public Finance (which is my last ECON course to finish my minor--but more on that later, actually). I have a Geography class called "Climate, History, and Society." Rumor has it the professor for that one strongly dislikes METR majors, even though he's a climate guy. But he seems cool enough. Very research-y class. Oh, and for the first time in... ever, I actually have several friends in my class. We spend our time trying to figure out what major everyone else in the class is. And then a practicum with the OU Nightly, the news program. We start doing live shows September 14. I do two days per week with the production crew and one with weather, so... yeah. Should be a good learning experience. That said, I'm *totally* lost in it; don't have the background that the actual broadcast majors have.

And... switching over from classes to the other half of my life: HCSA. Things are going AMAZINGLY. I am so proud of this year's team; we've come an incredibly long way since last year. Programming Director is a challenging position; everything is very big and long-term, so I definitely have to test my focus. But I'm excited for the weekend program and things are going well over all. Oh, but my schedule takes a turn for the chaotic in September. Homecoming meetings start. And then the week before weekend program, I have 2 midterms, and then that Saturday is the event, and then I have two more midterms the next week. And it really doesn't calm down from there until over a week into November. So... if I break down... don't worry, it was planned?

And, the last tier of my life: personal drama. Apparently Jay's had feelings for me of some sort (although almost everybody I know, myself included, is reasonably certain they're rebound-based) for 5 months. Well then. He decided to act on them in the last few weeks, attempted to kiss me (he was somewhat drunk at the time, but...) ... Yeah. There's just so much wrong with that. But we've talked, straightened things out, and hopefully it won't be an issue. In the meantime, 90% of my friends are in happy relationships. Half of them are also trying to set me up with other people. I guess I appreciate it? I don't know. I want a guy; if nothing else, having one would probably prevent me from walking across campus alone at night (in that I'd have someone to drag along with me). Yes... I realized how stupid that was as I was doing it. No worries; I brought my bigger "cuttin' bitches for self-defense" knife with me (the one with the thumb-assist for opening it). And got hit on by drunk people. All of whom were in the driver's seat... So probably better walking than driving anyway.

Alright. Time to finish cleaning up the apartment. Clearly my presence is... well, making itself obvious. I have to get the last of my stuff out of the hallway, load up my new bookshelf, and do laundry today, so I should have my work cut out for me. And if not, maybe I'll get started on homework (*gasp*).

Igloo on Wheels

I'm home for summer vacation. Have been for a while now. About to go on a family vacation, a road trip out west. Not exactly looking forward to it. I want to be excited, honestly, but I'm having trouble getting all hyped up. Yes, the sights will be cool. But I need change. And I need different people to be around, more than anything. I mean, on campus, there are always plenty of options.

I wish I were back on campus. I miss having things to do and people to do them with.

Anyway, the short version of all this ranting is that this Igloo is about to be on wheels. Yay, vacation. But I wish it had wings. I'd be back in Norman in a heartbeat.

No good reason

I have no right to be angry right now. So maybe it's just the buildup of stress or sleep deprivation or nervousness about finals, but I'm really kind of mad.

Future roommate, M (I've decided to try to switch over to letters or nicknames instead of people's actual names), recently friended Richard on facebook (eh, his name is already on here. It really doesn't matter). And that shouldn't anger me but it really really does. I don't think I ever posted anything here the day he called me and the rest of the execs "spineless shits" on facebook. In fact, he's said a lot of things about me with similar connotations, in both private messages and public facebook conversations. He's one of the few people I know who I might actually consider saying I hate, and I don't use that word on people if I can avoid it. So, I understand M has gotten close to Jay (and that that's my own fault), and I know Jay and Richard are still tight... But I kinda hoped that she and I were a little tighter.

In my head, it's comparable to if I were to suddenly become buddy-buddy with Guy X with whom she has a ridiculous history. M and X almost had something go on, and then some bullshit drama happened in that group of people. But now she's left that group of people behind in her life and never ever speaks to him and only speaks about him in the context of calling him an asshole or worse.

I don't want her to be able to tolerate Richard. I don't want her to give him a chance. I want her to want to punch him on sight, every time she sees him. And if there isn't animosity between them next year, I can see this roommate situation getting... dramatic.

Wish right now...

Blah... I know it's been a really long time since I posted. I don't really care all that much. Life has been boring, so there hasn't been much to post. Still, I guess this is the part where I make obligatory fake promises that I'll try harder to post more often.

I don't know why I've been feeling so stressed lately. Yeah, it's the end of the year. Yeah, I'm spending another summer at home, probably bored out of my mind, probably jobless and broke. And nearly friendless. And frankly, school life hasn't felt much different lately. I sit around most of the time, either on facebook or watching TV shows. My friends are either too busy or too boring. Beggars really shouldn't be choosers, though. I don't know.

RSA has been winding down. I'm currently waiting on results from the HCSA appointment process. They were supposed to tell us tonight, but there was apparently a hangup in the discussions, so they said they'd tell us tomorrow. In the meantime, I can't discuss it with most of my friends because they're either fellow candidates or the elected execs from the other side of the interview table or Eddie, who didn't get his elected position.

Life is so dull and yet so complicated right now. I think mostly, I'm lonely. Lonely like freshman year just before me and Shannon had really hit it off. Lonely enough that I'm practically counting down the days until I'll be home again. And then I'll still be lonely, but somewhere else.

I really need to go on a drive.

(Not my usual style of music, but I really like this song)

i... hate... people...

I've got no plans for all of break. So far what I've done in the first three of my seven days in town is sit around the house on the internet, eat meals with my parents (I love them, but c'mon), and drink Caribou coffee (which, again, I love, but c'mon).

I tried to send a "mass text" to my friends in town to arrange a trip to Perkins the night I got in. It went to four people... including an email address. Exactly two of the people responded. One to say no. Oh, and the "no" was from 'Taylor.'

I attempted to reschedule Perkins. Might be going down tomorrow, with two of the other people who were in my mass text. Maybe even a third person (the person who was originally e-mailed). Hoboy.

I tried to arrange a get-together with one of my OU friends, who will be in town for a speech tournament Wednesday through Sunday. Too busy for a get-together. Freaking 20 minutes away, but won't have time.

So there're at least two people I kind of hoped to get together with (Taylor and this OU friend) who have managed to quash those plans.

Other people I hate:

Me? I accidentally introduced Jay and Megan. Apparently things hit off in some way, shape, or form. But there's the obvious awkwardness of the history between Jay and Cari and the fact that Cari and Megan are about to be roommates. Supposedly things have leveled off and will remain platonic, but I'm not so sure; they seem to talk and hang out a lot, and Megan simply won't discuss it, which is a sure sign that something's up. Jay keeps saying he wants to get some friends together at his parents' place. Last time I talked to him about it, he was saying it might just be me and Megan. Hahahaha no.

Richard. No, he hasn't done anything new. He's just been, well, existing. He decided to come down and visit for spring break. He was in town Thursday, but thankfully I never ran into him. Well, he also decided to go down to Denton to visit Shannon. I know she's still friends with him. I know she wants to see him... But I really really wish that were not the case. I just have to remember that the version of Richard she is still in contact with is the version I used to be friends with. The Richard I've had most recent contact with is basically a different person.

Boys. All of them? Yes, I think that's reasonable.

90% of the people I want to grade school with. Why not? Sorry, I guess I'm a little bitter about this mass-text-going-to-four-people thing. Yeah, just a little.

Mary Tyler Moore theme

The original lyrics to the song "Love is All Around" (the Mary Tyler Moore show theme) included the following verse.

You are most likely to succeed

You have the looks and charms and girl you know that's all you need
All the men around adore you
That sexy look will do wonders for you
Love is all around why don't you take it all
You're gonna make it after all.

That attitude is outdated, right? Part of the reason things between Kingsley and I never progressed was because, as we were discussing things afterwards (after I kind of decided things shouldn't go anywhere. But let's face it: that could very easily have changed), he said something about how I should wear skirts more often. Obviously that doesn't mean much, but, for lack of a better way to put it, I grew up with the "Mulan" generation. Very "true to yourself" kinda thing. As it turns out, my true self likes wearing man pants so I can carry a million knives in my pockets. Should I change that to get a guy?

I guess that's the same question I asked a month and a half ago about make-up, huh?

Well, tonight Kingsley and I had a long talk (an awkward talk, too, but that's not the important part here). It left me noticeably quiet, thinking, pondering, kind of just mulling over things we had said, specifically regarding relationships and boys and shit (yeah, awkward...). And a few minutes after I got up to my room, he sent me a text:

Don't get too down on yourself. You looked incredible in that dress; there are plenty of guys who wish they could have you. Just keep looking.

And for some reason it bothers me the way he always makes it sound like what I'm wearing could make all the difference.

So, do I listen to Mulan (and that Christina Aguilera song from the movie) or do I just give up on some of the stubbornness?

Closure

Richard decided to pull some dumb moves today. In what he called a "joke," he made slanderous comments about HCSA. I confronted him about it via facebook message (though I unfriended him a few days ago).

We got some things out in the air. We cleared some things up. By no means did we make amends.

But that's okay. I said things I've been needing to say, and I heard things I needed to hear. And by the end of our argument (for I'm pretty certain that's what it was), I came to terms with what had happened. Rather quickly I went from being distraught at the personal attacks on my character to laughing, because he was unwittingly making a fool of himself.

In short, I got the closure I needed. I can move on.

Woohoo...

So, somehow, in the last year and a half, I've managed to write 100 posts in this blog. That's pathetic.

Anyway, I'm really just hear to post a general update, I guess, and to be sure that I can at least get in one entry per month.

Life in Norman has resumed to its hectic self. As expected, I haven't seen Shannon really (except once, a few days before classes started for the semester). Cari is off in France. Jay, to many people's surprise, has come back this semester. I made amends with him near the end of the previous semester, in the midst of all the drama. We hang out basically like before. Kate is busy, as expected. Eddie is... himself, I guess? I see him quite frequently, but hardly ever without the company of Kyle, his boyfriend. It's fine. Kyle's nice. We're friends. It's all good. But yeah, I'm probably jealous of Eddie's time. And, admittedly, jealous of the relationship itself.

Hoboy, Singles' Awareness Day is coming up. But I've got plans. Megan and I are going to watch the Bring It On marathon on ABC Family. I can't think of a better way to spend the day than eating popcorn and trash-talking cheerleaders (who always get the guy in the end).

Speaking of Megan, she and I are officially planning to live together next year, along with Cari, in Traditions. We still need one more roommate, but I guess there's always the random assignment option for the fourth roomie. Crossing my fingers that we don't end up with someone horrible.

I'm hopeful in regards to having a room waiver next year. I don't plan to be an RSA president, but I'm not dropping out of HCSA either. I'm planning to go for Programming Director. The other person who was thinking of running texted me this morning and asked if I wanted that position, because she was thinking of it too. But she said she didn't want to compete with me for it and she'd go for Traditions West President instead. I feel a bit guilty, but she made it sound like she was totally okay with it, which is nice.

Let's see... And... pretty sure Taylor the Latte Boy has hit the friend zone. But I'll be home for Spring Break, so you can bet I'll be around Caribou a lot anyway.

Self-esteem

The last day of classes for fall semester, I was at Shannon and Cari's apartment, and they talked me into letting them do my makeup. I always end up feeling whore-ish when I let people put makeup on me, to be honest. A lot of dark eyeliner, with my pale skin and light hair... and then combine that with a supercasual clothing style. It just ends up looking odd. But they did it, and I let them and then we all went to Eddie's. As soon as it was pointed out to him, he said "You look like a whore." Nobody was surprised by this comment, and I can only assume it was a joke. But... y'know. Hard to remember that when I kind of felt that way.

Jay asked for pictures when Cari and Shannon told him. So I gave in and posted some pictures on facebook. One of my Minnesota acquaintances started facebook chatting with me and told me I looked "gorgeous" in those pictures. Gorgeous? I don't know that I've ever been called that in my life. But I also don't think I looked like me, so I don't know how to feel about such a compliment. But I couldn't exactly say "Thanks for telling me I look nice when I think I look like a whore." I'm pretty sure that would be considered rude.

So, within two days of getting home, what did I do? I went to the store and bought $35 worth of makeup and a $15 hat. And I made myself a pact. An early New Year's Resolution, actually (didn't I say last year how much I dislike the idea of "resolutions"? So... resolved... So... set in stone). I told myself that I would wear makeup and do my hair in some way other than just brushing it into a ponytail at least 4 times a week.

The fact is, I'm sick of only getting compliments when I'm wearing makeup. But even moreso, I'm sick of not getting compliments (on my looks) at all. I mean, I'm no super-hottie, but I don't think I'm an unattractive girl. I (want to) think I deserve to be told so on occasion.

So, yeah, part of me thinks I've abandoned some moral standard that I previously held, the one that says I (and anyone) really deserve to be told I'm beautiful without altering my appearance. But y'know, I wasn't getting that. But really I'm still wondering: does wearing makeup count as giving into arbitrarily imposed societal standards or is it a reasonable way of boosting one's confidence and self-esteem (albeit via others' perceptions)? Either way, the resolution has been made.